Saturday, February 21, 2009

well today it really wasn't as bad as i thought. haha the kids were so funny. phrases today included

oh snap
peace out *hand sign*

those were said by 2 year olds it was amazing.

but the other thing the guy was there and i'm pretty sure he saw me and he went the other way first and then i think he saw me again i saw him cause i walked right past him and next thing i knew he was gone from there. cause i was super paranoid and looking all around. what can i say? but yeah it made me super relieved.

i got an amazing hug from mel and her kids were so cute they always are. but as they were leaving they both go "mommy i really like amy" SO cute i loved it. and mel is like "i do too" it was great.

but i am still bogged down there is a situation which i'm not sure the other person in this situation is even aware of but i'm so blah about it. it kills me inside and i dunno hwo to bring it up and i don't know how to talk and if eel so far away from this person and it is just horrible cause he is one of my best friends but ugh i dunno maybe i hsouldn't do anything or say anything but i feel like there is a huge wall.

in other news i wanted to hang out with people but then i never texted anyone i jsut want hugs i want to be the huggy affectionate person i once was. i want that back cause maybe it would be a little better. but i wish my life was different but oh well. anyway i didn't text anyone cause i kind of fell asleep on the couch and then wouldn't get up cause i was so warm and comfy. haha whooops.

we'll see what happens with tomorrow but i'll be at church again ack.

i also want to make an afghan crazy i know. considering i've only made scarves and some hats that didn't work. i gave up on them cause i don't have my books yet. :( so sad. anyways thats all for now.
I'm so cold but i need to get this out i also need to sleep but alas blogging calls me. as if i haven't done enough of that today.

but tomorrow ugh tomorrow. i will be at church all day that's not the problem. I'm happy to do it. but its just the fact that someone i don't need to see or interact with will be there.

this guy did something to me that i cannot ever forget i can't erase it and i wish i could but it was violating (true not as violating as most things but it was extremely violating to me) and i wont' divulge the details. but its really hard for me still and it happened 4 years ago. it makes me scared out of my mind that hes gonna be at my campus tomorrow.

we are having a conference at church and all the campus' will gather at my campus and i didn't look at the RSVP list first before i volunteered which I'm kind of kicking myself about because that really sucks i can't back out. but it just freaks me out that he could see me during the lunch break he could try to talk to me and really it makes me so scared i could pee myself ugh i dunno what to do i wish i had someone to distract me from it but its in my head and it scares me. i hope nothing will happen cause i probably wouldn't be able to handle it very well at all. i just pray that he stays away from me.

i should go to bed. i mean i have that on my mind along with other things that are just eating at me. and i can't help it. i can't talk about stuff and I'm frustrated with people but i don't tell them and I'm sure it makes it worse but i dunno its just how i am i guess i wish it wasn't that way but it is and i dunno how to change it.

most of this probably doesn't' make sense but its late and I'm cold and nervous and i just need to go to bed. pray for me in the morning if you think of it.

Friday, February 20, 2009

to my bff

i would like everyone to know about my bff. his name is steve and he is amazing.

by far most amazing person i know (sorry if you thought that you were most amazing keep thinking it though i don't want to shoot your ego down).

he has always been there for me and i will always be there for him.

he cares and thats rare these days and he means more to me than i could ever express. and it kills me that he is so far away but i know that when we finally meet it will be epic. yes EPIC people. we will hug and we will laugh and laugh more mostly about poop or fart jokes. or about maple syrup we might cry about charlie but hey its an emotional subject. give us a break.

and then we will go on an adventure to candy mountain and laugh more about the kid after the dentist while on commercial break from lost. we will listen to good music cause he will never steer me wrong.

yeah see amazing right? thats what i thought.

long story short i love my bff a lot and hes the best bff i could ever and probably will ever have in my life. and i wouldn't change it for anything.

thank you and goodnight.

things i have bought recently

i got my tax return back last week so i went shopping for things i needed very badly and here is what i bought (also some silly weird pictures first):

the best birthday card i've ever gotten.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

i'm annoyed and blah and all of the above

this sums it up (mostly the bold but the whole song applies and its stuck in my head):

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for naught

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

Thursday, February 12, 2009

maybe theres hope somewhere..

well birthday sucked its okay i expected it. but i just wish it didn't suck as much as it did. i got bailed out on twice. and i was hormonal so it made it worse. the day after my birthday i slipped and ran into the car, stupid slush and i hurt myself. i didn't really like this week much.

but maybe something good will happen.

i need to stop being so anti-social but you know its sometimes a defense mechanism. and i always revert back to it.

i really miss those i care about most and i wish so bad i could be there for them. one in particular. it kills me really it does. ugh.

in other news. today i fixed up my resume some and sent it off to a lady. i saw the listing on my church social networking site. and so i sent it off not really thinking anything of it cause i don't anymore. but less than an hour later i got an email back wanting me for an interview so i'm going there on saturday and i'm hopefull just praying thats where God wants me cause i really need to be some place this whole business is killing me inside. so i just pray this will work out. and if not whatever will be the plan will be revealed soon.

i need to make money and go places. i need to get a car and drive and just drive. or go to be with those who need me most. it just has to happen i need to be fine and do things.

thats all for now pray if you would about my possible job opportunity thanks.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Joshua Radin
Amy's Song lyrics

You asked me to write a tune
All about the things that go wrong
And then you asked me to come home soon
To the place where I belong

But you stand on the other side
Of the line in this place
And you can't see me, you are blind
And this you can fake
No, this you can fake.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

And I don't know if I can write about
Chosen walls and the things you feel
And I don't know if I can sing aloud
Closing doors showing you what's real

But I know when I close my eyes,
Late at night, there's only one thing
The night's shown that she can lie
Its your face, show me something
Can you show me something

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

What do you want me to say
All I know is love - it's ok
I'll write what I know
And you do the same
Tell me I'm sane.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

rantrant and some rawrness

i'm pretty mad and frustrated and you name it i have it. what you ask. well you didn't really but this is my blog and i'm saying things if i want to.

well my birthday is coming up and to tell you the truth i'm not too happy about it. if you asked me i would skip it in a heartbeat. i know some people are super excited about their birthdays. thats not me. because mine usually suck and result in me crying and being depressed on a day that is supposed to be happy. well it just makes me sad thinking about my birthday cause i know it won't be a joyus happy day. i won't get presents i mean i guess i dont' normally get presents anytime so its not anytime different. no one will remember it or call and no one will want to do anything.

i want to feel appreciated and i don't. i feel like it doesn't matter. does it even matter that i'm around? i mean no one really says anything. i feel jipped because i do so much for others and i never get anything back. i'm not a selfish person but seriously on my birthday? shouldn't i get things? i should be at least appreciated and loved but i don't even get that. i'm not trying to be selfish or mememe. but crap i just want to be loved and appreciated on my birthday. gifts welcome hugs and all such things. but its too much to ask for. i can't even get one ounce of anything for all that i do for people.

i always showered people with gifts and love and every time i'd get money for christmas or my birthday i'd ALWAYS spend it on other people and not me. its just sad that no one thinks to do anything for me. and that my friends is why i would like to skip it. i'll just end up crying anyways.

in other news i'm kind of sick of being blown off. i'm a person too i have feelings i do want to do things but i dn't because why even bother? i mean i try to get people to do things with me but in the end i'm a boring person and no one would want to hang out with me. (i know this is a stupid blah post but its mine so deal)

i just get sick of trying.

in other news hormones are fun. but that isn't why i'm writing this i've felt this way for a long time.

thats all for now i guess.