i just have a really nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and i'm not fond of it. its affecting all of me right now. i can't even eat its so bad. ugh...

right now i just want a big wind storm. maybe it'll make me feel better...

oh bother.

so last night i went to a party. so unlike me it took me awhile to say yes but my friend ashley asked if i was going so eventually i said yes i was so nervous about going cause i tend to be a big hermit but it was fun so that was cool. haha oh the laughs. it was good times for serious.

lately though things have been kinda sucky. dad is having medical issues. one of our cars broke down. so we had to have grandma cart us around. then we have thanksgiving coming up so its kinda like AHHHHH. time to freak out.

thursday mom and i had hair appointments so we had to have grandma take us which lead to taking her out to dinner cause it is her birthday soon. so we went to red robin at one point while we were ordering mom was telling the waiter the check situation soo then grandma was like what your paying for me? and mom is all yeah its your birthday. then later as we got our food and we were almost done. all the waiters and waitresses come over with a sundae and sing. and grandma was all did you set this up and we're like noooooooo it was so shocking and scary it was funny though. haha

i really love having a bff here but i haven't seen him in three days so that kinda sucksssss

i just realized i don't have much left to talk about now. so i'll cut this short.

"And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am"- The Goo Goo Dolls "iris"


those lyrics struck me today also lately this two sets of lyrics have struck me also:

"You take my rights away You take control, No stopping You You take my rights away I can take it " - "You Take my Rights Away" - Skillet

"You alone are what my soul needs You know the thirst is taking over Hardly breathe, I'm in urgent need You know the thirst is taking over "- "The Thirst is Taking Over" Skillet

lately i dunno they just strike me and make me stop for a second cause sometimes they apply to me and sometimes i wish they'd apply to me. that said lets begin on the journey of my "serious" blog post. meanwhile i have gotten the hiccups its a grand ole time.

the other day (it wasn't the other day it was sometime last week but i don't remember what day it was hah!) i was talking to Justin and he was telling me that my personality type is good at puzzles like tetris. and then i was thinking and i was like life is just like a puzzle sometimes. it was so philosophical for a sec i baffled myself. but really you just try to fit the pieces where they need to go to be complete so weird right?

next topic of discussion is being vague. now sometimes i think i'm tooo vague but thats sometimes just how i like to be especially when its concerning serious stuff. i don't like to divulge too much info cause i'm private (next subject is me being private nice segway right?) and sometimes i don't even intentionally mean to be vague it just happens. i guess its something i've built up over the years and its kinda nice not blurting everything out at one moment haha. i guess being vague can be a blessing and a curse. i'm somewhere in the middle of those two but i digress.

oh being private. i'm not necessarily sure at this point if its a good or a bad thing. i think its good cause on one hand i don't like to spread all my business so everyone knows cause that can be sketchy but at the same time i dunno its an odd thing. but in the book i read last it was kind of like you don't have to be necessarily totally open as long as you have this super close circle with some people you completely trust. and i admit i do have trust issues its just how it has happened i've had trust in some people and i got stabbed in the back. which i'm sure has happened to plenty of people. but i just try to guard it. that said i'm super thankful for my bff cause hes amazing and then my other really close friends (select few can count on one hand) they are really great and i'm blessed to have them.


now the anti-social bit. now this confuses me sometimes cause i never used to be anti-social before. its just so weird like i think i was 20 well maybe 21 when i got to be super anti-social i think it happened after evan and i had a falling out he was my last friend in seattle and even then he was the only one i had cause i had falling outs with a few more Friends before that it was just like a steady stream of close friendships dying off which sucks but in the end it had to happen. and then when i was anti-social (hah i say that like i'm not still anti-social) it was fine i found things to do i don't necessarily need to do things with people i can entertain myself. but i do struggle with it actually getting up the nerve to go hang out and then when i do a lot of times it sucks. last night didn't suck but thats a whole nother post which i will make soon. but yeah i dunno its just hard to get up nerve sometimes. maybe it will come in time.


this concludes the "serious" post. comment if you wish and stay tuned for the silly/fun post.

stay classy...

Book Review - Fresh Start by Doug Fields

Do you know who you are really? Are you a child of God or do you feel not worth it at all? Maybe you just need a fresh start with God!

Lucky for you there is a book called Fresh Start by Doug Fields.

I wasn't sure what to think of this book I was totally on the fence about it, but in the end it was totally amazing. A lot applied to me in this book and that is a good and bad thing sometimes I wasn't fond of it applying to me. Which i'm sure is a natural reaction. Without giving too much away this is a really super amazing book to read if you aren't sure who you are right now or where to go. It is about rejection, fears, anger, relationships pride loneliness you name it and its probably in this book and it can totally be a blessing in disguise (even if you might not necessarily want that blessing). All in all it was really a really great help.


if you would like to check it out here is a link

i received this as part of the booksneeze program i was not compensated in any way.

are you faking it?

lately i've been thinking about this. being a faker. or faking it rather. no not like in seinfeld when elaine says she faked it. not THAT way but do you fake being happy? i've been thinking about that because i do fake it.

i'm kinda of socially awkward alot of the time and i never used to be like that but the last few years it just happened like that i'm super quiet and shy sometimes and i just feel uncomfortable around a lot of people. not nessicarily cause they are bad people but just cause i dunno what to say and i am a pretty private person most of the time. so thats why.

my friend and i were kind of having a rough patch and we were talking about how i'm not social and he said but you're fine when you get there. and i thought about that for a few days and the other night i was like do you remember when you asked me that. well i'm fine cause i fake it. and its true i do. and on sunday when i was at church people ask how you are right. and i said i was good. totally a lie i know but i was faking it just so i don't have to really say how i feel. cause i'm the type of person who closes up super easily to guard my feelings and not be super vulnerable and stuff. so i guess maybe thats why i fake it also cause i'm super private but still.

it kind of made me wonder how many other people really do fake it. i mean can you really be that happy ALL the time? really?

i'm just at a weird point right now i guess and its hard to get used to or figure out but thats just whats on my mind lately.

and what fun we will have

so its beena while and i know that but i've been so super busy lately that i can't even take time to have myself think. it might be a bad thing or a good thing i'm not entirely sure yet. haha. anyways i'm sitting here listneing to matt hires and having this super obnoxious old man raspy smokers cough. hahah oh what fun.

but lately heres whats gone on. i've freaked outa nd freaked out more and more and more. and almost lost it. but i got it back don't worry. um things have been good for the most part.

i cannot even express how cool it is to have a best friend actually here i mean i was sooooo scared and apprehensive about it before but now psh that all flew out the window. its amazing! LOVE IT!


but i need a job.

dude i felt like i had so much to say but at the moment it slips my mind. like i was so used to being such a depressive person and justin came and now its like i'm happy but that is scary cause it hasn't been like that in a longlong time.

i think parts of me left with him when he left and now they are back like the part of me that hugs everyone and gets affection that part is back. and the laughter a lot of the laughter is back. i wish the cough didn't come though. haha anyways yeah i'm looking for a job now and hopefully will find one so i can get my life in order.

and today i saw some friends i didn't expect to see and it was glorious also church this morning involved us talking about the office instead of listening to the sermon like we should have been down at the CM desk. ahhahaha. and then we joked about being co-managers of the desk. oh man it was great times i love those people! thats all for now.