"Life could you be a little softer to me.

Life could you be more gentle to me.
Yeah I know this is a selfish plea,
Because Christ sacrificed his flesh
On the cross for me
But this world is hard,
It's cruel and I wish it could be...
Softer to me"

yeah that is definitely the song for the season of life. i don't know what to think or do or feel right now. the family drama still going on. not sure where we are going for thanksgiving the whole family is divided and i don't know i just don't. my extended family is pretty much divided on all sides. even my cousin and her siblings are divided right now. its pure craziness.

I'm sick of the drama, I'm sick of the anxiety I'm sick of all of it. i mean i wasn't super close with them anyways and its always been bad just never THIS bad. and its almost too much to handle. last week at church pastor mark did a sermon and he was talking about coveting and how when someone dies everyone fights about the money. and yeah that is what happens I've been through it and its infuriating i HATE it with a passion. its so annoying and i don't know what they are thinking. its so crappy. i wish we had better i wish things were so different but its what i have and i have to deal with it. thankfully they don't really talk to me. i have my cousin and her kids and that's fine. i mean i dunno its just kinda like "eh whatever" i can't do anything. i can't fix it and as much as we wish we could we can't fix them. and its kinda i dunno what it is really. but its just poopy. 

the weirdest thing is though that my grandma now sounds happy and is calling my mom which hasn't happened since august and I'm so baffled by it and can't help but think "when is she gonna snap again" its just how i see it and i know its horrible. but at the same time. i don't really know what it is to have anything different. but it just makes me sad.

I've been so busy lately with nannying and then being with the boy. and doing things and stressing out and running around everywhere and anywhere. when i have downtime i kinda crash.i guess that's good but i kinda miss the time where i have had more downtime haha. but that's not likely to happen. its okay though.

the boy and i have had a lot of good adventures lately. but we have fought a bit too haha but it is bound to happen and we're totally fine. but yeah. i got to see my old friend nessa. that was exciting and i got to see some friends from Oregon last weekend. it just was good and happy and tiring for sure.

so this is my weekend to catch up on it all. thank goodness. the next couple of weeks won't be so busy though. so that's good and bad. good cause more downtime. bad cause its less money. the other family i nanny for is going out of town Wednesday and  i dunno when they are coming back. probably the first part of December. its so hard to believe how fast this year has gone.

i miss a lot of Friends though. i don't really know what to do about that. but i have the boy and i have my immediate family and that's good.  i mean i have what i have and i am grateful for it. that's all i can really do and keep pushing on.