Friday, December 24, 2010
Some of his family is pretty enjoyable. At least through email. Cause obviously I don't know much about otherwise. Its such a blessing. I have been blessed in general. Just this week. I normally watch each of the girls twice a week. This week it was only once per girl. And both parents gave me a card and a gift card for 25 dollars. Its so not even necessary but I am so grateful for it. It is such a nice thing. I'm not used to that happening at all. My first instinct is to just go out and get something for them real quick. But they don't do it to get something in return. And I know that. But I’m just not used to getting presents at all. And its so disorienting when it does happen. I'm such a huge weirdo.
Well my car hasn't gotten broken into again yet. I think its happened twice or three times. I can't tell. But either way its annoying. There isn't anything but garbage in there. And clothes and feminine products in the trunk haha. I am prepared what can I say? Actually i'm not sure if my ice scraper is gone. I don't remember. Might have to check that out later.
I'm trying to write a lot of my reviews so I can just save and post later. Which is working. But then I haven't posted anything for my examiner page. Which is somewhat annoying. But I keep forgetting. I've also been trying to finish up these things i'm making for people. I'm half through my list. Plus I need to fix justins scarf. Which probably will just be redone totally cause I don't know how to fix it. Oh well it won't take that long. I've also got my huge pile of books to read which I haven't been doing either. Oh bother. I'm kinda behind on anything and everything I guess. Oh well what can you do right? Life kinda got away from me.
I am so grateful for the boy too. Living without him would be hard. I am not a huge sappy person but he gets that and doesn't get upset that I am not sappy. I do love him a lot. Its amazing at how much you could love someone. I just want him to get a job asap but I guess it'll happen when it happens. I am a worrier. Which is annoying but it is what it is. I need to trust more but trust is a hard thing. It is for everyone.
Things are looking up and that’s what I have to focus on.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Toms of Maine. All opinions are 100% mine.
Have you heard of Tom's Of Maine
Its a line of natural hygiene products. They have tooth paste and deodorant. I'm not sure what else they have. But I use their deodorant. I'm not a totally organic freak but I didn't want to use aluminum in my deodorant so I switched to toms and its amazing. I use the clear roll on and it works pretty well. I'm happy with it.
I also like the toothpaste because I don't like mint stuff at all so finding a toothpaste for me that isn't a kids one that is difficult. But they have ones that aren't mint. So that's amazing for me.
Now they are doing a That's Wicked Fresh contest page, you go to the link and like and follow them on facebook and there are prizes. just go share you're favorite wicked fresh moment! i hope you will check them out soon. i am pretty pleased with their products. its a shame i didn't find them sooner. but please check out the contexts and try out their products as soon as possible! you won't regret it!
remember to check out their cavity protection toothpaste.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you when we're close i fear you still im afraid to tell you all that i've done are you done forgiving? or can you pass my pretending? Lord i'm so tired of defending what i've become what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.
i hear you say "my love is over, its underneath, its inside, its in between the times you doubt me, when you can't feel the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?' the times you've broken, the times that you mend the times you hate me and the times that you bend well my love is over, its underneath its inside, its in between, these times you're healing and when your heart breaks the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace the times you're hurting
the times that you heal the times you go hungry and attempted to steal in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame im there through your heartache im there in the storm my love i will keep you by my power alone i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been i'll never forsake you my love never ends, it never ends mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh" - Times by Tenth Avenue North
This song has been on my mind lately it has struck me. especially when it says "the times you're healing the times your heart breaks the times that you've falling from grace" and then " my love is over its underneath its inside its in between" its so relevant! I've had a really crappy last 7 days. but I'm still here i guess that counts for something.
but there was the car accident so that's stressful. i didn't know if it was gonna trigger a seizure from the dog. i was pretty worried about it. and it is around the time she would be having one. she has one every three months about. so there was that. but then the family is down a car. but then there is my car. i didn't drive it much last week. i hadn't been in it for like 4 days. i went in it and all my stuff was on my passenger seat but my car was locked. i thought it was weird. and my flashlight was gone. i felt super violated but i thought oh maybe my dad did it. he didn't do it. but i didn't get it cause i had locked my car and it was locked when i went in it. the next day i looked at it in the daylight. and determined that someone did break into it but they were like professional or something. didn't break anything and totally locked it and closed the compartments they went in when they were finished. who does that?!?!?! like honestly..
then that day also i had to go watch the munchkin and i had to do some stuff for Justin and then later on i was gonna take him to class but that never happened cause he didn't get his work done and that was frustrating the whole day was frustrating and i sorta had a breakdown it was annoying. but I'm still alive. then there were just little things that went wrong.
things are starting to look up again. we got our tree yesterday though i was so cranky yesterday i got better but smashing into that little car for that long of a time almost made me puke. oi. today no church i slept instead (crime right?) and maybe some writing but I'm trying to find a laptop used so i don't have to get one new. meh we'll see. anyways that's about all for now.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
here has been whats happening.
first off i got accepted to write for the examiner! so I'm excited about that. I'm gonna post book reviews up there fitting right? so here is where my profile is. http://www.examiner.com/christian-literature-3-in-seattle/amy-clark check it out and look and post my link everywhere! it will be awesome!
also yesterday my dad, brother and our dog got in a car accident. thank goodness for great neighbors who come running to help. my neighbor Joe came rushing over here. i had to get the dogs harness and leash. my dad was taking my brother to work. and the dog barely ever has a collar one. so i had to go down there but Joe got a call from his wife Kim who was driving on that stretch and saw them so he came to help so thank goodness he did. my mom was sick puking and the works so i had to do everything and i was freaking out cause i was so stressed and had fifty million things coming at me all at once. everyone is okay thank goodness but it looks like that car is totaled. bleh but i guess things could be worse.
its so funny too cause i had posted about it on facebook and then my cousin texts then she called her mom. who called my grandparents and grandpa was home alone he listened to the message started freaking out, then he called grandma she called here. and that was that. but then today my uncle (dads brother) called and talked and he heard from his kids who saw my facebook too. hahah i have a string of communication apparently. its hilarious. i guess it keeps things interesting guess i should post more things so they all talk to us more. ah well.
also a while ago dad kept saying that he wanted a new car. i was like well i guess you shouldn't have said that. couple weeks ago when we got snow my Friend had been wearing snow socks. and we all said her snow socks worked too well. so this was the case with my dad saying he wanted a new car. it is kinda good that it happened now. it needed work. but the bad thing is he had just filled up the tank a couple days before. ugh but pretty sure its totaled so hopefully we will get a settlement and such. it wasn't dads fault.
but another reason our neighbors are awesome. they offered for us to use their car if we needed a bigger car for something. they are so amazing to us they don't even know! I'm so glad their house didn't sell and they stayed here.
so thats it from here for now!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Carol by Bob Hartman is a book that is about Christmas (obviously, right?) This is a really cute looking book and it's so small like a gift book. Though it's short it really is a great story. It is a play on the Christmas Carol. This in the category of those variations of the Christmas Carol in TV shows or movies that just have different settings. It does have some of the same themes.
Instead of Scrooge, the main character is an older guy named Jack who hates everything about Christmas. He's a very grumpy and kinda selfish man who has a bad day every day. But instead of being obsessed with money he's obsessed with music. After running into a gorgeous woman at the bookstore (literally), they start hitting it off while listening to a retro song. He gets sucked into a flashback which starts their reflection of his whole life from the early days to his future.
Not totally sure what I personally thought about it before I started reading it. There were really no expectations but I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not. In the end I really enjoyed it. The story was cute but also thought-provoking, and pretty entrancing. Seeing what happened next was a suspense you couldn't put down. At least I couldn't. It really does make you think about how Christmas is perceived these days. All the hustle and bustle on getting gifts and all the stress, while the meaning of Christmas is lost. Sometimes you just have to sit down and have a cup of coffee (or tea in my case) and think about it rather than get infuriated. All in all it was a great book. Check it out!
Monday, November 29, 2010
but of course the drama from the other side continues. my granny wouldn't even go to her great grandchild's party. shes such a stinkface. she had us go pick up the stuff for his birthday and take it to my cousins house. so annoying. then my other cousin is annoying cause hes an alcoholic and he wont' talk to my cousin heidi cause she called him a "drunk" she did say alcoholic which is true he is. and it runs in the family. but whatever it is what it is i guess. so he didn't show up at the party but my other cousin. he did but he recently got back into drinking/drugs and he looked SO bad and seemed super off to me. its just so sad. i dunno what to do cause i can't do anything really.
i'm just glad i read or craft to cope with things that bug me haha. such a healthier way to deal with things. there is eating crappy foods too but i generally start to feel yucky after doing that.
i've been soooooo tired lately. last night i think i slept 10 hours and i was good but then a couple hours after i woke up i was tired all over again. crikey.
oh! our family thanksgiving on saturday went well. our friend david was sick but his wife and his daughter still came. we played apples to apples. my cousin came over with the boys too! so it was a fun group. always good to have great friends who you consider family over. and my cousin enjoyed it too. then yesterday was a birthday party at my cousins house. and that was pure insanity. all those boys were insane. so loud oh man. but it probably didn't help that i didn't sleep all THAT much and then had 15 toddlers in the morning service. boy i had a day of crazy kids yesterday.
i applied to be a writer for the examiner so i'm hoping i make it cause that could be good. i'm gonna rewrite all my book reviews and then post reviews there so that will be great. i hope i make it in! anyways i guess thats all i got for right now.
i also made a forum for my blogfrog community go check it out and talk it would be amazing! and stay tuned for christmas book reviews!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Zappos.com has a wonderfully diverse selection of Doc Marten boots, shoes and sandals in all sizes, styles and colors ranging from original to stylish. Their standard shipping is free just as with all of their products. I highly recommend their website for all your Doc Marten needs.
Their prices are not only reasonable and often competitive with Doc Marten's site, but there are some nice markdowns as well. I encourage anyone reading this post to check out the great deals they're offering and get some awesome shoes for a great discount.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
but we're not going I'm going to a friend from church house. i was stoked she invited the boy and i so we are going. my family is having our thanksgiving on Saturday with family friends and my cousin and her boys. so that's that. but its also been snowy and icy and crazy. hopefully it will be fine. its warmed up a bit.
its gonna be weird i dunno the whole thing sucks. but i guess i wasn't close to the family at all anyways. but i have the boy and that's good and my immediate family is great. so i am blessed that way not much more i can ask for i guess. well a bit of energy would be good! i don't have any right now and i need to go finish baking cookies.
i dunno what else is going on. I'm making the boy a Christmas stocking its starting to be pretty good its granny squares I'm loving it! anyways i guess i should go cause i can't remember what i was gonna write about anyways. haha.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
May journeyed to heal on the farm of Claudius Borne, a sweet, innocent old man who understood plants and animals far better than people.
Years later, having not stepped a foot off Claudius' farm, May learns an old college flame, now a death-row inmate, is refusing to appeal his sentence. Can she convince him to grab hold of life once again? Their surprising friendship turns the tables, for the prisoner, Eli Campbell, has a deeper faith from which to draw than she. Eli slowly begins to pull May from her cloistered existence. With the help of Eli, their tiny town, and ultimately a renewal of faith, May comes to life once again."
next book i have is Resurrection in may by Lisa Samson. wasn't quite sure what to expect, since i haven't read any books by Lisa at all. so i kinda went into it blindly. the cover drew me in though because its so mysterious. and the book wasn't at all anything i would have expected. as you can tell by the description it kinda goes all over the place.
it did tend to be kinda confusing at times. with the different parts its almost like 3 books in one. it was really good though once i finally got a chance to sit down and read it, it went pretty fast. it was a pretty amazing and insane story though. so heartbreaking but uplifting at the same time. i would definitely recommend this author amazing writing here..
thank you to thomas nelson for providing me with this book. i was not compensated in any way.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Yeah I know this is a selfish plea,
Because Christ sacrificed his flesh
On the cross for me
But this world is hard,
It's cruel and I wish it could be...
Softer to me"
I was pretty stoked to get this book to review it! i had reviewed the first one in the series a little bit ago and i LOVED it. i was sorta aprehensive mostly cause the series i've read lately they don't even include the same people as the first book did. and that kinda really bugs me. haha i know a weird thing to be bugged about but thats just me. so i wasn't sure what to expect, i also didn't really remember fully what the other one was about. i did but i didn't remember all details. though this one did tell you a little bit so it came back to me. i have read a lot of books lately so sometimes i tend to mash them all together in my head. haha but i finally got what it was about.
I LOVE the covers of these books. They are so attractive! i know weird but its so true. it just makes you want to know what the book is about. so this one, so good it has scandal it has heartbreak but it also has love and the joy of children. this is about a girl who comes to be a governess (a nanny basically) she had other plans after the set time of this position. but nothing went as she thought. and the book ended on a cliffhanger. so i'm excited for the next one! but this book was amazing nothing like i expected. mostly cause i didn't know what to expect. it has so many twists and turns gotta love it. that is most times what makes a great book. makes you want to read more. so check out the book at the link above!
thank you to Strang publications for the book. i wasn't compensated in anyway for this review.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
While I was on there I was also looking at car audio receivers. I don't know about you, but I LOVE music in my car. With the ability to play Cd's, or plug in a mp3 player, its glorious! I'm not sure how much these usually run for but the prices on become.com seem pretty reasonable to me. I already have one in my car but I have to say that its wonderful to just plug in an mp3 player and listen to it, since its commercial free! I love that freedom. I hope you'll check it out!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
i guess a lot of things are happening all at once. i have a headache and i don't feel good. but i also am just down.
along with all the family crap. which has sort of subsided. seems like my grandma only wants to call to see if she can stir up something with my mom and when it doesn't work then she doesn't call. haven't heard from her in a week. which is probably better since they don't have anything good to say.
i just feel numb today.
i miss people, i miss friends who have seemed to cut me out of their lives. my best friend colin doesn't tell me anything and all of a sudden hes in a relationship with some girl but he doesn't talk to me. doesn't reply to my messages. and i had bad dreams last night about how he didn't care and left me out in the cold. and it just kills me. i've known him for almost 3 years. and i dunno why hes not talking to me. its sad.
there is micah who i've also known for almost the same amount of time. him colin and i and some others got robbed at gunpoint together so you'd think that'd be a huge bond. but he doesn't reply to me either. its just sad these people who were my best friends. i dunno they seem to be vanished.
another one mike he was a big part of my life and we don't talk at all now. i dunno what happened. did i do something? blah. i've lost so many friendships i dunno why or where or how it all happened but it makes my heart super sad right now.
then there is a situation right now with someone which is annoying me but i know she is doing the same to our other friends.
i just don't know a whole lot right now. i'm frustrated, i'm tired, i'm sad. yeah i have things to be grateful for in the big picture but a person also needs people. and the ones that were most important to me are lost somewhere. it makes me really sad. i'm really irritable right now and i just want to cry. i'm so annoyed in general. i dunno.
maybe i should just lose myself in a book again. i've been reading the one i am reading for 3 days i'm almost done. i read books so fast its scary sometimes. ah well at least i have my books.
i really miss bloom chat. i miss the ladies i bonded with. cause now i'm not around when they are and there is no way for us to really chat. but i can't change that either. blahhhhh.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
i am not quite sure what to think or feel right now. yesterday my grandma was trying to stir the pot and i don't know why. she needs to just stop talking and stop being nasty to her own flesh and blood. and i feel so done. i don't know why you have to act like that. it is not called for. there was some drama with the estate sale. for one there were lots of storage sheds there which i had no idea about. but the estate people got the go ahead to go through them cause there was junk in them. but my aunt knew there was stuff in there and didn't say anything. and there were pictures in there and now they are most likely gone. even if they are family pictures its just gone and its so frustrating.
its so baffling that people can be like that. grandmas motto right now is "i didn't know" she says that about every situation lately and she DOES know. she is trying to look like the innocent one. and also says thats what my aunt gets for being and honest person. if she was honest she would have said something beforehand about what was in that shed. but she wanted it for herself. and now its all gone. its almost so numbing to think about this. cause i wish i didn't have to, i wish we didn't have to talk about it, or see them at all. i'm so done with all of this mess. and these people i'm done i can't do it much longer. these are sides to these people that i wish i never would have seen. its so heart breaking. but this family is divided even worse than before and i don't think we can recover from it. i don't know what to say. my cousin is coming over tomorrow and we'll see what she has to say about it all. its just really sad.
but at the same time i guess it shows how people really are. at least we don't have to go on thinking someone is one way and knowing they are another. at least we know all of it now.
that is until someone else says something we don't know.. i dunno if this will ever end. but i hope it does. its much more peaceful when we don't have people calling every five seconds.
i've had a very busy last few weeks so today i just caught up on a lot of greys anatomy and thought of all the craft projects i am doing. i worked on my blanket some. and i have alot of hats i need to make for people. so that will be fun. its almost like therapy. crocheting = love. thats all i have for now.
from CSN Stores i received this:
another thing i got was some post cards from http://www.simplecard.com/ they are so cute. i made them as thank you cards and i'll be excited to use them. thank you christina for contacting me! i wish i could show and image of what they look like. but i'm lazy and don't want to take a picture. but they have such cute cards there. you can get greeting cards or postcards. even upload a picture and make your own!
next thing i got in the mail was a camera bag! i bought this and its amazing :
http://lowepro.com i had wanted a different one. one that was patterned i had found a polka dot one cause i'm crazy like that but i just couldn't find it in stock anywhere. so my dad looked around. i didn't want a black one for one thing my dogs hair would get all over that in a second and it would look disgusting. but i wanted a bright color. so i found this and i LOVE it. i got it yesterday and i have to say it was darker than i thought. but i love it a lot. i can't wait to put my dslr into it. and carry it around for picture taking opportunities! yay! so that is what i've gotten in the mail lately. hope you enjoy it!
Friday, October 8, 2010
haven't done anything with the pictures yet which is probably better. cause its so stressful. one thing at a time. and my mom and i have been getting so full of anxiety lately with all of that its better to just step back and not do it at the moment. its almost too much to handle.
that said i've been doing a lot better. and the boy and i have been fighting so much less. we've had a really good week i think. we went on adventures to the fremont market. we went to brickcon which is a lego expo basically. went to pike place market and took a lot of pictures. on wednesday after i was off. we went adventuring again! we are so into photography right now. i just got a digital slr and so i have been playing around with it. i don't know much about any of it right now but i like to take pictures and that click when you take a picture is SO satisfying haha. i'm such an idiot but i love it.
i got to read again, which is good cause i need that as an escape sometimes. it calms me. plus i have a HUGE pile of review books. oh boy but this oen i started yesterday i'm whipping through. its so amazing. i also have a lot of review posts to write. but again life has been insane. i feel like i have had no time at allt his week. which is true. this and last week were busy for watching the kids. i think next week will be like that too. which is good cause its money but its also exhausting. yesterday i almost fell asleep. true one was napping but still boy i was so exhausted. but its a fun job. so i guess i can't complain. callies new phrase is "oh that is so CUTE!" and she said "for goodness sake amy" the other day haha the kid cracks me up. 2 year olds are so fun.
also went to church sunday and it wasn't bad. i actually feel a lot bettr about things now. they are changing but in a better way and its good cause the person i was super apprehensive about running things isn't running it anymore.
also the boy needs prayer we need to find him a job asap money is running out and unemployment is being a goober cause the slimy boss of his is disputing his claim and ugh its just a huge mess. and i'm stressed but at least we aren't fighting.
anyways i should go write my other entries and go through my millions of pictures i took. goood times.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I read the book before this as a look into the series. and i really liked that one but i couldn't get through this one unfortunately. it just was pretty boring to me. it made me sad that they didn't follow the previous characters. but i dunno if that went on later in the book. i couldn't get into this at all. i hope other people will love it. but i just couldn't do it. it may be my constant jumping from book to book but i dunno. i couldn't finish it. it did make me pretty sad cause i was excited to read/review it. but it happens. can't like every book i guess.
well here is the description of Memory Between Us, A: A Novel (Wings of Glory). also a contest down below!
"Major Jack Novak has never failed to meet a challenge--until he meets army nurse Lieutenant Ruth Doherty. When Jack lands in the army hospital after a plane crash, he makes winning Ruth's heart a top priority mission. But he has his work cut out for him. Not only is Ruth focused on her work in order to support her orphaned siblings back home, she carries a shameful secret that keeps her from giving her heart to any man. Can Jack break down her defenses? Or are they destined to go their separate ways? A Memory Between Us is the second book in the WINGS OF GLORY series, which follows the three Novak brothers, B-17 bomber pilots with the US Eighth Air Force stationed in England during World War II."
Sarah Sundin presents The Movies and Memories Giveaway in honor of
book 2 in the Wings of Glory series. A Memory Between Us is available for purchase wherever fine books are sold.
From the English countryside to the perilous skies over France, A Memory
Between Us takes you on a journey through love, forgiveness, and sacrifice.
To celebrate Sarah is giving one lucky winner A Movie and Memory Prize
Package! One grand prize winner will receive:
* Make-your-own-photo book from Mypublisher.com (Capture your own
* Netflix Subscription (New or Nostalgic Movies delivered right to your house)
* Starbucks gift card (To keep your engine revvin’)
*Gourmet chocolate (A favorite in the 1940’s and now)
* British specialty teas in carved wooden box (Timeless tradition)
* Miniature model of a B-17 Flying Fortress bomber & C-47 cargo plane
(Everyone needs a few toy planes)
*Big Band music CD (Break out your dancing shoes)
* WWII authentic poster playing cards (Cards – a perfect game for two)
* Keep Calm and Carry On (Uplifting sayings WWII, a boost for troubled times)
To enter simple click on the icons below (contest runs 9/27 - 10/17!)
Monday, September 27, 2010
my grandma hasn't called my mom in 2 weeks i dunno if it will be longer i assume so but its crappy. also the other night my aunt called wanting these post cards cause she collects them. she collects everything. she wanted to make sure they weren't gonna get lost. but the tone she has when she says things. ugh. i dunno. but i am not quite sure how they would get lost when everything is sitting in the boxes we have them in. but what can you do. she wanted to come over on sunday to get them. but i didn't want her in the house honestly and my mom would have been alone and that wouldn't work she didn't want to be alone and she isn't feeling good. so i took one for the team and went to grandmas to drop that stuff off. she was supposed to bring something for my cousin and well that didn't happen and it took forever and my life. for her to get there and it was the most awkward thing to be at grandmas she seemed cranky and i dunno i just didn't like being there.
i want all of this to be done. i don't want to be in a funk. i find myself just crying at random times and i'm so sick of it. i also keep fighting with the boy. but both of us are doing that its the stress of the times right now.
yesterday i went to see our former campus pastors church plant. and my favorite guy alan he used to be our CM director. was there he is doing CM there. and it made me sad happy to see him but sad cause i miss him. its such a bummer i'm not so happy with how church is right now. i just don't really want to be there at all.
its just a hard season i guess. and i'm tired of it.
i want to be able to crochet and to read all the books on my book review pile. and in my book case i dunno im just in a funk and now i'm so hungry. i'm so tired of being full of anxiety and needing melatonin to sleep. i'm just tired.
i wish it was better.
Monday, September 20, 2010
death makes people crazy, and in my grandma and aunts case it makes them hoard everything then get mad a bout what little some other people take. cause they want it all for themselves. its really sad. and its really made me think about how they are acting and how much i hate it. i don't want to fight about "stuff" i don't really care about jewelry and i don't care about the stuff. i care about the person. but shes gone now and she would HATE how they were acting in fact i think she would slap them. which somewhat amuses me. it has also made me really think about the fact that i don't know what its like to truly have a grandma. i don't know what its like to be excited to go to her house to do fun things with her, her buy me stuff and generally do fun grandma stuff. i've heard other peoples stories and sometimes it baffles me and it makes me sad at the same time. really sad. sometimes the family concept is so foreign to me also cause its like i don't know what it is to be happy about them. how fun it is to hang out with them. its just not something that i grew up with..
it makes me feel like i want to piece together certain parts of my family and then someone elses family and make a whole knew one. i really do wish i had a grandma. cause the one i have i don't consider one. cause she isn't what a grandma is. one who is currently not talking to us at all. cause she flew off the handle for nothing. said some things that certainly didn't need to be said. and now won't talk to us.
i don't want to go to family functions cause that would just be killer. they aren't enjoyable. and i end up feeling more depressed than when i came. it just all makes me so sad. I'm not exactly sure how i should feel or what i should do but it is what it is and i don't know if i could change it. honestly i think my grandma has something going on in her head cause she just keeps getting crazier and crazier. all i know is she showed a really evil side to her that no one wanted to see. and i think only 1/3 of the family wants to be around her anymore, which is the part that is just like her also. its just a maddening thing to go through. its also like my immediate family is the only part of the whole family that doesn't ask her for anything we don't ask her to help us we don't ask for money and somehow we are the bad guys. we also don't take a lot of auntie beths stuff.
but again we're the horrible people. its just not fair. what did i ever do to you grandma? i have always been nice i always just keep my mouth shut i don't fight with you i just try to keep the peace but its not good enough. its never good enough. do i have to have a conflict with you to be accepted? do i have to always have to ask for money to be accepted? i just don't know what you want from me? I've never been the favorite grandchild I've never asked for much but what little i did ask for was shot down so fast i couldn't even get anything out. never was a spoiled grandchild. i never really got anything. it was always the youngest grandchild. who is almost 21 and hasn't had a job, does drugs, drinks and his parents buy him cigarettes.
do i have to be a screw up?
i finally got to show her my car couple weeks ago. she didn't even look at it and just said "oh" thanks for supporting me grandma really means a lot. i worked hard to get that car and I'm working hard with two part time nanny jobs to pay for it. but does that matter? no.
i just don't know what to do so I'm not gonna do anything i can't fix it and i can't please her. and honestly I'd rather not be around her at all. that may sound bad but 25 years of this and I've reached my breaking point.
this family is so incredibly frustrating i can't even fathom what happened. i will take my grandpa and my 4th cousins, and my other cousins and that's it. i just hate that it came to this but it is what it is i guess. what can you do?
blah is all i can say really. and i'm glad that i love my immediate family and some of my cousins otherwise this would be a whole lot crazier. and the boy is amazing so i'm glad i have him through all of it. but still its just hard.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
now here are pictures of callie she is the one i watch she is adorable. such a parrot too hahaha:
now we have josiah: