Monday, September 20, 2010

family? or lack thereof..

i guess i've been in a somber mood. i miss my auntie i wish she was here so we didn't have to deal with this family drama. my family has become literally insane.

death makes people crazy, and in my grandma and aunts case it makes them hoard everything then get mad a bout what little some other people take. cause they want it all for themselves. its really sad. and its really made me think about how they are acting and how much i hate it. i don't want to fight about "stuff" i don't really care about jewelry and i don't care about the stuff. i care about the person. but shes gone now and she would HATE how they were acting in fact i think she would slap them. which somewhat amuses me. it has also made me really think about the fact that i don't know what its like to truly have a grandma. i don't know what its like to be excited to go to her house to do fun things with her, her buy me stuff and generally do fun grandma stuff. i've heard other peoples stories and sometimes it baffles me and it makes me sad at the same time. really sad. sometimes the family concept is so foreign to me also cause its like i don't know what it is to be happy about them. how fun it is to hang out with them. its just not something that i grew up with..

it makes me feel like i want to piece together certain parts of my family and then someone elses family and make a whole knew one. i really do wish i had a grandma. cause the one i have i don't consider one. cause she isn't what a grandma is. one who is currently not talking to us at all. cause she flew off the handle for nothing. said some things that certainly didn't need to be said. and now won't talk to us.

i don't want to go to family functions cause that would just be killer. they aren't enjoyable. and i end up feeling more depressed than when i came. it just all makes me so sad. I'm not exactly sure how i should feel or what i should do but it is what it is and i  don't know if i could change it. honestly i think my grandma has something going on in her head cause she just keeps getting crazier and crazier. all i know is she showed a really evil side to her that no one wanted to see. and i think only 1/3 of the family wants to be around her anymore, which is the part that is just like her also. its just a maddening thing to go through. its also like my immediate family is the only part of the whole family that doesn't ask her for anything we don't ask her to help us we don't ask for money and somehow we are the bad guys. we also don't take a lot of auntie beths stuff.

but again we're the horrible people. its just not fair. what did i ever do to you grandma? i have always been nice i always just keep my mouth shut i don't fight with you i just try to keep the peace but its not good enough. its never good enough. do i have to have a conflict with you to be accepted? do i have to always have to ask for money to be accepted? i just don't know what you want from me? I've never been the favorite grandchild I've never asked for much but what little i did ask for was shot down so fast i couldn't even get anything out. never was a spoiled grandchild. i never really got anything. it was always the youngest grandchild. who is almost 21 and hasn't had a job, does drugs, drinks and his parents buy him cigarettes.

do i have to be a screw up?

i finally got to show her my car couple weeks ago. she didn't even look at it and just said "oh" thanks for supporting me grandma really means a lot. i worked hard to get that car and I'm working hard with two part time nanny jobs to pay for it. but does that matter? no.

i just don't know what to do so I'm not gonna do anything i can't fix it and i can't please her. and honestly I'd rather not be around her at all. that may sound bad but 25 years of this and I've reached my breaking point.

this family is so incredibly frustrating i can't even fathom what happened. i will take my grandpa and my 4th cousins, and my other cousins and that's it. i just hate that it came to this but it is what it is i guess. what can you do?

blah is all i can say really. and i'm glad that i love my immediate family and some of my cousins otherwise this would be a whole lot crazier. and the boy is amazing so i'm glad i have him through all of it. but still its just hard.

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