I've been one big ball of anxiety lately. It is/was my retainers. I got new ones made and got them the day after. So I had all of that crazy anxiety for nothing really. But then Tuesday I noticed I had black stuff in the creases of my teeth so that freaked me out. But I had poked in them and they aren't squishy. So I guess that means (according to my mom at least) that I don't have cavities. But I should get my teeth cleaned. Though I really don't want to. I hate the dentist. And I don't really like the dentist I have either. I dunno what to do with that.
I also am trying to research/figure out what to do about my weight. I'm looking at the HCG drops I know a bunch of people that have had huge success with it. Or a low carb diet. I need to do something because I just keep getting fatter and fatter and I’m not totally motivated. On one hand I feel like its sort of a cop out cause I’m not really trying. But on the other hand I’m not totally motivated and I get really discouraged easily when it comes to this and I feel like I fail no matter what.
While talking about this with the boy last night its like I want to get thinner I want to like myself and not feel so blah all the time. But at the same time I don't want to give things up. I don’t' want to give up carbs, chips and all of that stuff I just love. But thats me being stubborn and honestly I guess food is a crutch for me. And its something I control, I want what I want I guess. And I just don't want to give it up. It kinda seems like an idol. And in order for me to get results I have to do something drastic. And the boy will do that with me as well as my mom. All of us have issues with things we don't want to give up. But it may be God's way of showing me what I need to do. I've been praying about it a lot. And it just may be the answer. I dunno. We are in the process of pulling together questions about it and will talk to someone about it soon. But it may be the right direction to take. I'm totally freaked out about it though. The whole “what if I can't do it” question goes through my mind constantly. I am just not sure.
In other news i've made some good progress in reading my books I need to read. Writing reviews is a whole nother story... oi.
My foot feels somewhat better its getting there.
Now my garden i'm making good progress in that! I made a whole plan up for it and i'm super excited about it. I just hope it plays out like I want it to. I just need a nice day to start work on it. Though I can't use the pitch fork I still can't do that with my foot. I can't stomp hard or anything. Super annoying since I have stuff to do! And I nearly pulled my arm off the other day trying to yank on a really huge stubborn weed. It was pretty traumatic honestly. My arm went one way and my body went the opposite way. After that I gave up and went to make my chart of where i'm planting everything.
I've been having weird dreams. From dreaming about finding bowling balls (I am on the look out for bowling balls for a friend when I go thrifting), to my last one where my hair was falling out in clumps. Its just weird and somewhat terrifying. Then I woke up with the song “three blind mice” stuck in my head. What the crap people?! I just don't know. But anyways i'm gonna have to go and get hopefully a lot of reading done soon. Hope you all are well.. if there is anyone out there at all.