"scream..deeper i want to scream, i want you to hear me.."

well i feel like crap right now i feel like how the weather is outside stormy, cold, rainy, gloomy that's how it is.

i don't even know how i feel really right now i just know i feel blah. here is how my life has been lately and then me ranting and all sorts of other nonsense

the day after the baby shower i talked about in the long entry before this one. well my dog had a seizure at like 3 or 4 in the morning on that Sunday then mom told me i had a really hard time keeping it together at church so i only watched kids and went home. and then cried like all day and then 5:45 that night she had another seizure so she got taken to the emergency vet and lots of crying on my part and stress on everyone Else's but we didn't really have answers. right now we still don't have a definitive answer on anything. but we're exhausting all options. right now we're waiting for blood tests to come back really complicated ones so we will know for sure if its her thyroid. the other thing could be canine epilepsy but I'm still not sure about that. but its all so stressful and exhausting mentally and physically i don't jump at every noise she makes anymore but we were all doing that for awhile. but even now like we have to have at least two people here at all times just in case she has another one. one has to hold her down and the other has to give her the meds we have for just in case. we're also taking a gamble on things because we were supposed to give her epilepsy meds after she had her blood taken last Monday but we didn't want to cause what if its not that and the thyroid well yeah. so just praying about that.

lets see what else I'm really blah and depressed about a lot of things and its not like i can get out and go somewhere i can't and even if i could I'd have no where to go or anyone to see so its kinda sucko.

that's not all folks it gets worse.

i really need to blog more so these don't get so effing long.

the other day i watched munchkin for 6 hours. he totally was trying to beat me up but that's not the point. the point is my neighbor has two dogs and they are either stuck inside this small pantry like room or outside. and they were in their pantry room when i got there i eventually let them out once munchkin got up from his nap. and i felt so bad for them cause they get little to no attention cause my neighbor always shoos them outside or in their little room. and it breaks my heart. but no nono its worse. so i kept them in the House well i let them outside but it was raining so i let them back in. and i was looking at them one of them the older dog is sooo unkempt like she has long hair and her hair on her feet is like longer than her paws for reals and then her nails are super long i know cause she jumped on me. they aren't trained the other one is a short hair dog so that doesn't matter. but really they are very unkempt and it makes me so sad. and they get like no attention you can tell cause they almost like barreled me over when they wanted attention i gladly gave it to them. cause they are sweet dogs i would steal them if i could. especially the little one she crawled up in my lap on the couch. shes not little little just smaller than the other dog. anyway so i went to put them back in the room cause it was raining and munchkin needed to eat dinner. but i was trying to find something to entice them to go to the room and yeah cause they aren't trained either. and i went to go find dog bones first of all the dog food bin was open. that's just not right its gross bugs can go in. well i found dog bones, they were expired in 2008! i was like are you serious? and the open bag had bugs in it. i put it back only cause i didn't feel right about going through her things and throwing stuff out. so i just got a cracker and threw it in there for the dogs. and then later i was looking in the older ones mouth. and it looks like her teeth are rotting. i swear it broke my heart so bad i cried when i got home.

on to the next subject I'm crazy with my PMS but I'm also gonna screw things up cause I'm screwball. I'm having issues and I'd like to talk to one specific person about it. but there have been things that have gone on and i just feel like i can't talk to them cause i feel like if i do I'll screw it all up and it will be all weird and we won't be like we were before i could just be neurotic but that's how i feel right now. it makes me cry literally. yesterday in fact the whole thing made me cry off and on all day and the only thing that made me stop was organizing my Cd's cause I'm a ding dong and that's what i did it took forever. I'm so blah about all of this and so sad about this particular situation and its probably not even a situation but i am choosing to ignore said person and not say anything. cause I'm a screw up its cool.


in other news my best friend Colin is taking me to see weezer in September hes amazing. that's the only good thing i have to say.

my stomach hurts super bad right now its good times anyway i guess I'll wrap this up now. late.

ugh i just don't know i'm tired my stomach hurts and i'm all jumbled up how fun.

more later

ugh why? just WHY?

realizations last night someone very amazing to me said this:

"yeah, I trust very few people but the people I do trust, I trust deep like family sometimes deeper"

and then i got to thinking about that really heavily and this is what i said:

so i was thinking about something you said last night about how the people you trust you trust like family and stuff and then i got to thinking and realized it was super sad because i don't trust my family for the most part and I'm not even close to most of them which is sad but that's how it is and i dunno if I'd change it honestly i would with my dads side its so weird though cause like that side is super loving when they see you hugs and i love yous and we rarely see them but its kind of weird to me cause the other side which i see a lot is like no touchy kind of thing and dirty jokes and just all around negativity and its i dunno i just think its sad in some cases i trust people who I'm not even that close to more than I'd trust family. i don't enjoy being around my moms side of the family if anyone it'd be around my cousin Heidi and her son marcell i wish we saw my dads side more but we don't and i dunno i just am not close to my family i mean i guess to some degree i am to my immediate family not really my bro though which is to be expected but i dunno its just weird and sad another thing that is sad is that when family members have died i wasn't affected by it at all i feel kinda douchey sometimes for that but i wasn't close to them i don't know them so i can't be upset I'm just not close to my family and it really is sad but at the same time i am not really sure i want to be cause i really am not fond of the people they are. that's horrible but true. *sigh* it is what it is i guess I'm just grateful for amazing friends who are more family to me than even my family is.


so there we have it. again it just i dunno like i went to a baby shower today it was my dads side of the family my cousin by marriage is pregnant and she had her shower today and then i thought about this stuff more and more cause you just see how close she is with everyone else and how "love you"'s are spread around and you can tell how loving she really is and i wish that it was like that and i wish that we saw them more i mean my cousins (they are way older than me) have had kids and I've only seen the kids like 3 or 4 times and they are like 10 at the oldest now and it just is sad missing all that. and having that closeness that we don't have but ugh i dunno.

anyway at the baby shower i won a prize i won a spa gift certificate which is super weird cause I've never won anything. but yeah and the presents we made were much loved and ooed and awed over it was good stuff.

i dunno what else i want to say so i will give up right now and go to bed.