happy new year?

is it?? i'm not sure yet. but then again its not the new year here as of yet. i would write about things that happened this year like everyone else but i haven't given that much thought as of yet. right now i will tell you what has happened today.

my mom decided when she got home from work that she wanted to de-christmas the house. so we undecorated the tree and the windows and stuff. well she wanted to take the tree out and she can't do it herself so she roped me into doing it which resulted in lots of things gone wrong and it not working right. which is hilarious in itself and then we started kinda screaming at each other. hilarious again. but then when we finally got it out of the tree stand..... well we were trying to get it out of the door and part of it got stuck so i screamed a bit. then we finally got it outside but i thought we were gonna set it down in the yard but she didn't have that same idea. and so we had to go out of the fence. but part of it got stuck and she kept going so i screamed and then it was loud so like the neighborhood could hear hahah. and there was a person walking down the road and they laughed at us which i thought was funny. it was like mom kept going and the tree didn't and she tried to pull my arm off haha. so after that happened my mom went to get the broom. i was walking past her but she stuck her butt out in the way and whammed me then we laughed and i was like "what the crap are you trying to do to me?" then she was sweeping the carpet which actually worked better than i thought. i was pretty amused.

then we all became super irritated for no apparent reason. but thats where we are right now i'll think of another entry for later. maybe tomorrow. who knows when inspiration may strike


*EDIT*

i have also been made aware of a broken blood vessel in my eye. haha bff asked what was wrong with my eye but i didn't know what he was talking about cause i obviously can't see it haha. then mom gasped when i went to ask her a question then i finally saw it after some maneuvering. hahha its kinda gross but i wish it was a bigger section cause i'm weird like that. i should get a picture of it.

" Skitch. How did we get here?" "I led you here, sir, for I am Spartacus."

sometimes i just wonder how i got here? how did i get so alienated by some people that i don't have them as friends anymore. i have this one "friend" who owes me money she has for over a year. sunday i asked if i could get my money anytime soon she says yeah come to church tonight i say well i don't have a way to get there duh cause cars and lisences don't grow on trees. she says nothing even later when i ask her why i have to go to church to get the money she owes me? i mean i have a church i went to it. i don't think i have to go to a different one to get what is owed to me. it just frustrates me a lot.

i also don't know how my friends became not my friends. its just baffling to me.

another situation i cannot talk about its super baffling to me. oh bother haha.


in other news my dads surgery went well. christmas was interesting.


my bff is pretty amazing. but at the same time i just wonder how i got here. i'm frustrated with church i just don't want to do the schedule anymore cause its just causing grief. i need to get my license i just need to take the test but ugh i dunno i need to practice more but maybe i don't maybe i'm ready who knows really. i need a job so i don't feel like such a failure at life but i already do cause i can't get a job but i haven't tried in awhile. but even so.

i also need to go tot he doctor to get myself checked out. and i need to lose weight ugh oh bother. my head hurts just thinking about it. but i'm thankful that i have my bff cause if i didn't i'd be in sorry sorry shape. and i know i sound super blah and rawrish right now but really i have been a lot happier which is sorta scary at the same time. a lot of things scare me but just gotta roll with it i suppose.

i want to go on an adventure. i'm not sure how i can get to that point of adventureness but i want it.

i will just read my fifty million books. ugh. haha i love books but this one is so long and i need to read three other ones from the library and then read the ones i'm supposed to review. i shall get on that then. until next time.

i'm just not really sure what to think or feel at this point.

oh hello blog...

yes my lovely little blog here has been super neglected. but its been incredibly crazy around here so that is why.

so when i last wrote i said something about having a bad sinking feeling in my stomach. well when that was happening my bff had gone to visit some girl. who knew i'd have such an effect on myself with that. but it was my intuition kicking up i knew it was bad right when he said he was going to see her. i just knew and i had said "uh oh" but thats just what came out of my mouth but i never knew until at all happened. so that all lead to him going down there doing things he has regrets for and he hadn't talked to me for a week then and he didn't see me for 2 weeks. basically my sleep was disrupted my appetite, my bowels even it was just such a severe affect. i couldn't even comprehend it. and the girl hated me which is so funny but i could tell by her facebook picture the look in her eyes i just got a super queasy feeling about the whole thing i knew it was bad. and my friend anna knew too. it was just such a baffling situation. he even wasn't himself anymore he said horrible and mean things to me which crushed me i can't even express how much that killed. but that was over the day before thanksgiving. thank goodness i don't think i could have handled it if that situation had lasted much longer.

things with the bff are great though i LOVE having him here i honestly can't even remember what it was like to not have him here in seattle. its so weird. we're so attached to each other its cute. i love him. aww but seriously it is kinda weird still for me to actually have a friend around. and especially one i trust so much. but its good i'm getting used to it and true i have a lot of faults still but hes slowly helping me work through them.

thanksgiving was kind of a nightmare. my extended family ugh. but i had a glorious reunion with bff. it was amazing. but thanksgiving sucko. ugh. i just really don't enjoy them. and there were so many people in the house that there was no room for me or bff anywhere. so we hung out in my room. but we didn't get told when dinner was ready or when it was dessert time. it was just a huge bummer. but my cousin heidis kid marcell is super cute. he gave justin a hug when he was leaving. he hadn't even known justin it was so stinkin cute. loved it. that sunday we went to the childrens museum for marcells 3rd birthday party it was fun i wish we could have stayed longer at the museum but we had to get out really quick.

after that mom and i got sick (i'm still sick now i keep getting it and getting rid of it and getting it again. ) but then there was the stuff with my dad. he had a catheter put in to help his uti problem. long story short he has to have surgery on tuesday.

lets see what else childrens ministry stuff well thats always going on but i had been service lead and i don't want to be but that will change i was so stoked i got told i can be in a room again. really its so heartbreaking when you go to do the child counts and they ask if you can come in the room and play with them. and you can't ugh rip my heart out seriously. but i get to soon. i would have this coming sunday but i had scheduled myself off that sunday. its a bummer but its good cause i'm sick anyway.

christmas is soon and i've been all bah humbug but i think it will be good. my parents gave me some money to buy presents for the family. so thats good. and i have some other things up my sleeve. hehe i'm kinda excited about it. i'll have to plan the christmas dinner cause we won't be going to the extended family thing since dad has his surgery on the 22nd. which is a blessing and a bother. cause honestly id idn't want to go see the family anyways. hah. what can ya do.


i'm gonna try to blog more regularly now. i'm stoked about the new bloom book and i just love bloom anyway cause that is a great community. i have a lot of books to read but i also have to go work on christmas presents. i will blog more later hopefully!

sometimes i like the internet cause you can act happy with words but you don't have to be actually happy. twisted i know. but i am eeyore hah.

oh hey 40th blog post how are you doing? oh you want to hear a story? okay i'll tell you a story about a dream!


last night i had a dream. and if some of you know me well uh you know i have kind of insane dreams.

well i'm not sure how it started really but the part i remember it starting was i was on the top of a like moving truck. and it was driving and we were in some foreign country for something i dunno what for. but thats how it goes in my dreams. you kinda just don't ask with me. haha

sooooo we were driving but then we got to the place where we needed to go keep in mind i'm still riding on the top of the truck. and we needed to go through the wall so we went through the wall once it wasn't too low so we damaged anything. then we were in a warehouse type of thing still on top mind you and then we have to go through another wall but that one was lower and the truck was higher. so it broke the top of the truck and the wall. and i flew down to the cab of the moving truck and then after i was like "MAN THAT WAS AWESOME!" so weird right? hahahah anyway it ended up we were at some venue of a band. in the band were colin and micah was there and hans (this are the guys i got robbed with few years ago) and they were in the band and colin was talking to the band manager and stuff and everyone including people from my community group were going somewhere. so we piled in cars. i went in hans' car. behind colin so we were driving but we left and went to a pit stop and then we all went to the bathroom we did this anti-bacterial stuff before cause we were in a foreign country and we went to the bathrooms but there were guys in the girls and it was kinda weird. but the stalls weren't big enough so i kinda fell over the toilet anyway after i was done i was totally paranoid about people leaving without me and then i had lost my flip flops and the floor was wet and it was gross. it also was a McDonald's go figure. anyway so i finally got out but then my phone rang and it woke me up from my weird dream.

haha oh man. anyways yes entertaining right? i thought so.

i just have a really nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and i'm not fond of it. its affecting all of me right now. i can't even eat its so bad. ugh...

right now i just want a big wind storm. maybe it'll make me feel better...

oh bother.

so last night i went to a party. so unlike me it took me awhile to say yes but my friend ashley asked if i was going so eventually i said yes i was so nervous about going cause i tend to be a big hermit but it was fun so that was cool. haha oh the laughs. it was good times for serious.

lately though things have been kinda sucky. dad is having medical issues. one of our cars broke down. so we had to have grandma cart us around. then we have thanksgiving coming up so its kinda like AHHHHH. time to freak out.

thursday mom and i had hair appointments so we had to have grandma take us which lead to taking her out to dinner cause it is her birthday soon. so we went to red robin at one point while we were ordering mom was telling the waiter the check situation soo then grandma was like what your paying for me? and mom is all yeah its your birthday. then later as we got our food and we were almost done. all the waiters and waitresses come over with a sundae and sing. and grandma was all did you set this up and we're like noooooooo it was so shocking and scary it was funny though. haha

i really love having a bff here but i haven't seen him in three days so that kinda sucksssss

i just realized i don't have much left to talk about now. so i'll cut this short.

"And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am"- The Goo Goo Dolls "iris"


those lyrics struck me today also lately this two sets of lyrics have struck me also:

"You take my rights away You take control, No stopping You You take my rights away I can take it " - "You Take my Rights Away" - Skillet

"You alone are what my soul needs You know the thirst is taking over Hardly breathe, I'm in urgent need You know the thirst is taking over "- "The Thirst is Taking Over" Skillet

lately i dunno they just strike me and make me stop for a second cause sometimes they apply to me and sometimes i wish they'd apply to me. that said lets begin on the journey of my "serious" blog post. meanwhile i have gotten the hiccups its a grand ole time.

the other day (it wasn't the other day it was sometime last week but i don't remember what day it was hah!) i was talking to Justin and he was telling me that my personality type is good at puzzles like tetris. and then i was thinking and i was like life is just like a puzzle sometimes. it was so philosophical for a sec i baffled myself. but really you just try to fit the pieces where they need to go to be complete so weird right?

next topic of discussion is being vague. now sometimes i think i'm tooo vague but thats sometimes just how i like to be especially when its concerning serious stuff. i don't like to divulge too much info cause i'm private (next subject is me being private nice segway right?) and sometimes i don't even intentionally mean to be vague it just happens. i guess its something i've built up over the years and its kinda nice not blurting everything out at one moment haha. i guess being vague can be a blessing and a curse. i'm somewhere in the middle of those two but i digress.

oh being private. i'm not necessarily sure at this point if its a good or a bad thing. i think its good cause on one hand i don't like to spread all my business so everyone knows cause that can be sketchy but at the same time i dunno its an odd thing. but in the book i read last it was kind of like you don't have to be necessarily totally open as long as you have this super close circle with some people you completely trust. and i admit i do have trust issues its just how it has happened i've had trust in some people and i got stabbed in the back. which i'm sure has happened to plenty of people. but i just try to guard it. that said i'm super thankful for my bff cause hes amazing and then my other really close friends (select few can count on one hand) they are really great and i'm blessed to have them.


now the anti-social bit. now this confuses me sometimes cause i never used to be anti-social before. its just so weird like i think i was 20 well maybe 21 when i got to be super anti-social i think it happened after evan and i had a falling out he was my last friend in seattle and even then he was the only one i had cause i had falling outs with a few more Friends before that it was just like a steady stream of close friendships dying off which sucks but in the end it had to happen. and then when i was anti-social (hah i say that like i'm not still anti-social) it was fine i found things to do i don't necessarily need to do things with people i can entertain myself. but i do struggle with it actually getting up the nerve to go hang out and then when i do a lot of times it sucks. last night didn't suck but thats a whole nother post which i will make soon. but yeah i dunno its just hard to get up nerve sometimes. maybe it will come in time.


this concludes the "serious" post. comment if you wish and stay tuned for the silly/fun post.

stay classy...

Book Review - Fresh Start by Doug Fields

Do you know who you are really? Are you a child of God or do you feel not worth it at all? Maybe you just need a fresh start with God!

Lucky for you there is a book called Fresh Start by Doug Fields.

I wasn't sure what to think of this book I was totally on the fence about it, but in the end it was totally amazing. A lot applied to me in this book and that is a good and bad thing sometimes I wasn't fond of it applying to me. Which i'm sure is a natural reaction. Without giving too much away this is a really super amazing book to read if you aren't sure who you are right now or where to go. It is about rejection, fears, anger, relationships pride loneliness you name it and its probably in this book and it can totally be a blessing in disguise (even if you might not necessarily want that blessing). All in all it was really a really great help.


if you would like to check it out here is a link

i received this as part of the booksneeze program i was not compensated in any way.

are you faking it?

lately i've been thinking about this. being a faker. or faking it rather. no not like in seinfeld when elaine says she faked it. not THAT way but do you fake being happy? i've been thinking about that because i do fake it.

i'm kinda of socially awkward alot of the time and i never used to be like that but the last few years it just happened like that i'm super quiet and shy sometimes and i just feel uncomfortable around a lot of people. not nessicarily cause they are bad people but just cause i dunno what to say and i am a pretty private person most of the time. so thats why.

my friend and i were kind of having a rough patch and we were talking about how i'm not social and he said but you're fine when you get there. and i thought about that for a few days and the other night i was like do you remember when you asked me that. well i'm fine cause i fake it. and its true i do. and on sunday when i was at church people ask how you are right. and i said i was good. totally a lie i know but i was faking it just so i don't have to really say how i feel. cause i'm the type of person who closes up super easily to guard my feelings and not be super vulnerable and stuff. so i guess maybe thats why i fake it also cause i'm super private but still.

it kind of made me wonder how many other people really do fake it. i mean can you really be that happy ALL the time? really?

i'm just at a weird point right now i guess and its hard to get used to or figure out but thats just whats on my mind lately.

and what fun we will have

so its beena while and i know that but i've been so super busy lately that i can't even take time to have myself think. it might be a bad thing or a good thing i'm not entirely sure yet. haha. anyways i'm sitting here listneing to matt hires and having this super obnoxious old man raspy smokers cough. hahah oh what fun.

but lately heres whats gone on. i've freaked outa nd freaked out more and more and more. and almost lost it. but i got it back don't worry. um things have been good for the most part.

i cannot even express how cool it is to have a best friend actually here i mean i was sooooo scared and apprehensive about it before but now psh that all flew out the window. its amazing! LOVE IT!


but i need a job.

dude i felt like i had so much to say but at the moment it slips my mind. like i was so used to being such a depressive person and justin came and now its like i'm happy but that is scary cause it hasn't been like that in a longlong time.

i think parts of me left with him when he left and now they are back like the part of me that hugs everyone and gets affection that part is back. and the laughter a lot of the laughter is back. i wish the cough didn't come though. haha anyways yeah i'm looking for a job now and hopefully will find one so i can get my life in order.

and today i saw some friends i didn't expect to see and it was glorious also church this morning involved us talking about the office instead of listening to the sermon like we should have been down at the CM desk. ahhahaha. and then we joked about being co-managers of the desk. oh man it was great times i love those people! thats all for now.

last night i sorta lost it. i was webcamming with my friend anna and justin. and at some point i just lost it cause i realized holy crap justin is coming for real. i guess seeing him on webcam really solidified it and i really got freakedo ut and had a moment about it. oi.

i dunno we'll see how it plays out. haha oh bother.

well today i felt like i needed to email our childrens ministry guy. to see if he needed help because we are really sort and we don't have a service lead really for the 9 am service so i asked if he needed help with email reminders and doing the schedule. so i am now doing the schedule. and earlier i was like ahhhhh cause i had so many things racing through my head at once i couldn't even read a book.

it was crazy so then i went of to community group......

i dunno like community group is great and all. and i get the point of it. but i don't like to talk. and today i had to talk and it really kind of frustrated me. mostly cause i don't like talking and it was like i was forced. and i sorta ended up crying. cause thats what happens. i don't like opening up to people i'm not completely close to and i'm not close with them thats true but i'm not totally close with many people. i have my core and that is what i need for now. i dunno it kinda frustrated me a little bit and i didn't know how to react to it.

hopefully tomorrow i can get stuff done on the schedule and such. i think now i will read my library book and go to bed. i'm trying to get that book done so i can start crazy love and start my book review book. oi vey. and i need to look for a job too. and do more etsy stuff mostly advertisement. ack k time for sleep until next time (which seems to be happening more often than not good for me) bye blogger friends!


aims

dundunDUN i'm totally tired and loopy and laughing all over the place hilarious.


anyways so lately i've been working on my etsy website its kinda i dunno the word for it. but yeah. so hopefully that will be done totally soon. now to think of advertising i need to get on the ball with that. wooot!

in other news so i've been going on the bloom forum/socialnetwork/bookclub thing. and i have to say its a super huge blessing i love those ladies a lot and they are amazing. its so great. though i need to start the book like a week ago. haha but i've been preoccupied this week i will for sure. even though i'm behind its cool! i'll catch up super fast.

i need to read more books too cause they are library books and due ackkkk. oh well maybe tomorrow. it shall be done.


i'm kinda stressed about some things mainly justin moving here cause i dunno just the whole thing stresses me out and it kinda freaks me out too. its gonna be a super huge transition for me.

other things make me sad like evan i guess i kinda thought when he moved back it'd be all instant bff and we'd hang out a lot and talk a lot. but i was wrong in that cause i've talked to him once and hung out with him once and those were on the same day two weeks ago. kinda disheartening but such is life. i guess the guys are better. it also baffles me that i was looking at my buddy list on aim/msn/yahoo. and most of them are guys and i was all "huh" how did that happen. haha kinda weird.


not quite sure about that. but anyways i'm not sure what to write anymore at the moment so i should probably wrap this puppy up. feel free to comment and i love you all my new followers from bloom! what are we? blossoms? or bloomers (HAHAHA) i dunno but either way you're amazing.

goodnight until later!

oh the struggle

right now i'm struggling my friend who got hit and is recovering well she can have visitors and two of my friends have asked me to go with them now. but i just can't do it. i can't go and see ang when shes not ang i dunno i feel sorta like a douchebag for it but i dunno ugh its frustrating me cause i feel guilty but even the thought makes me tear up and i dunno what to do i mean i know its right for me to not go but its still hard. i dunno ughhhhhhh


in other news i went to community group today it was good and my back hurts that is bad.

and i'm awaiting the book to come and i should read my library books but off to organize my music i go! until later folks!

oh for the love of cheese! i do love cheeese i am kinda random at the moment.

i don't remember when i wrote last so i don't know whats happened but i was probably cranky cause i had a hugehuge cranky state. but i have snapped out of it. and no matter how much things suck right now i'm okay. which is kind of weird for me but lately i haven't been cranky and i haven't cried a lot and i've just been in a generally good mood even though i was pmsing and am now on my period so thats really kind of baffling to me. but i'll take it!


i also started reading psalms with alicia we get on msn and discuss the chapter but we haven't done that in awhile we've been busy.

this just in i broke the dishwasher and don't know how to fix it so i just turned the power off of it on the break wooooo.

aye yi yi

in other news i miss my friends. but justin is moving up here soon woooo! i never thought it'd happen and now it is and it kinda scares me haha oh well.

AND i have this friend anna shes great shes married and has a little girl named october (SO STINKIN CUTE) and i found out the other day that she considers me an auntie for october and it was so exicting to me so i'm auntie amy! how cool is that it has made me so giddy all week. now she just needs to move her little fam over to this area she really wants to then it'll be golden i tell you GOLDEN!

reading is fun, and i'm so over the whole crocheting thing right now. i need to sell my jewelry and my scarves but i'm not so sure how i can pull that off. it hasn't worked so well so far so i dunno. gotta plan!

also i have joined this blog book club thing and i think i'm pretty stoked about it and right now i made a few friends already its fun i love it! i guess thats all for now. i have to think of my dilemma and finish doing my nails and then go to bed gotta get up for church wayyyy early cause i gotta walk oh bother. anyway til next time suckas!

Book Review - Real Church Does it exist? Can I Find it? by Larry Crabb

Do you think that church is what it used to be? How it felt for you in the past? What happened with that?

Those are some of the questions that are found in “Real church does it exist? Can I find it? Can you find it?” by Larry Crabb

When I first started reading this book. I was kind of skeptical because I wasn't sure if I was gonna agree with some of the points in it. But as I kept reading I found that yeah I actually kind of agree with some of his points. I'm sure everyone has been in that situation and has learned from it. And some may never find the actual church that they think is the best for them. But its more of a learning and growing process. Some parts like I said were iffy to me when I first started but as he kept going gradually I thought it made sense. He gives a really good spin on the whole issue of church or lack thereof and I really enjoyed it. If you are looking for some answers on the real church i'd suggest buying this book its pretty spot on.

if you would like to check it out here is a link

i received this as part of the booksneeze program i was not compensated in any way.

well since last time we talked oh blog friend. ummm july is over and in my opinion it sucked. but thats just me and my jaded view.

heres what went on on the upside my eye twitch went away. so that was good.

um worked on the blanket which still isn't done but i'm making progress i would be working on it now but i got tired of it.

we had the hottest week ever in seattle it was super horrible and miserable and i almost cried cause of the heat. i got heat rash also sooo uh goood times there.

last weekend was seafair! it was good times hydroplanes and the blue angels i took pictures also sunsets too. so that was cool.

but during the hottest week ever i went to an interview and got rejected yet again i dunno what to do but i'm so tired of it.

i also kind of got in a tiff with justin kinda still going on but i'm just infuriated and i dunno.

i went to community group for the first time in forever and a day so that was good but weird and i'm awkward. i'm just having awkward issues and poeple issues and no friends here issues.

i dunno i just feel like cussing all the time i don't want to go to church (not saying i have to but i'm just sayin) i just am a weird jumbled mess and i just want to say fuck it all. well i just did but you get the picture.

i feel like eeyore.

thats all i got for now. until next time blog world this is me signing out.

peace
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also i really miss my bff i don't think hes my bff anymore but i miss him nonetheless. and he'll always be a bff on my end. <3

my life is weird. i have crazy dreams.


last night i dreamt that i was suddently going out with ed now ed is this guy i know i dunno how old he is but he has 4 kids. preteen and teenagers. so its weird that i had a dream with him in it and then he said we were engaged and i was alll hoollddd up there buddy. just a weird weird thing.


uhh i'm working on a blanket crocheted squares and yesterday i layed them all out in the order they will be sewn together i need some more so i'll make those today and hopefully get them done and then start sewing the blanket together it should be cool i'm excited.

i've realized that there is a lack of skirts in stores so i just have to make them myself i guess. but i still haven't checked out jc penny yet maybe someday and i can't even find short sleeve t-shirts like seriously? thats so weird to me.

also another weird thing suddenly i can drink real milk again its so weird cause it used to give me problems but not anymore apparently.

ugh i keep sneezing and my eye has beeen twitching for like 3 weeks. annnnoying. k i'm gonna go do laundry and work on squares and maybe read a little bit.

i just don't know. i don't know what i wanted to write about last week i dunno what i'm thinking or feeling right now i'm just kind of jumbled.

oh last week was the street fair that was fun i went out and hung out with people (something rare for me these days) um but it was good.

right now i dunno if its cause i'm tired or other reasons i will not mention. but today was okay i hate trying to find clothes though i mean i don't have a lot and i'd like to find stuff for cheap i went to some garage sales today after i helped janni with check in at childrens ministry second service. didn't find anything. i chilled at home for awhile then went to torn. it was okay i dunno like during service i was just kinda blah and after they did this prayer thing and it was super amazing to watch but me i was just sitting there and i felt alone in a sea of people kind of thing i dunno if i'm just crazy or what. but its how i feel and i came home and was sad could be hormones but i dunno. i just don't effing know. i mean people are all don't be a stranger hang out with us blahblahblah but do they really feel like that or do they just say it? and why do i feel like an outsider why am i so socially awkward i just don't know


I DON'T KNOWWWWW!!!!! i'm frustrated and i'm sad and i wish specific people were around for me and they aren't and that kills me.

in other news i really like cake and i shouldn't eat it but i couldn't help myself. thats all for now i guess.

well I'm new to this blog hop thing so hello people! i hope i can read more blogs and have some blog friends soon. but anyways this is my favorite picture right now. i took it few weeks ago at a park/beach called Lincoln park, there was a low tide the lowest of the year so i headed out and took some pictures this is a sea anemone my favorite by far.

well 4th of july was sucko well not all of it but a fair amount of it did suck. the details aren't really all that important though.

heat rash sucks really bad.

i did manage to make it through church yesterday though. but i was barely functioning my stomach was hurting all night and most of the day so i got little sleep. but yeah

now onto another post i'm really lovin the blog thing right now if only more people read or i had more blog friends.

life is crazy but i'm slowly learning to love that craziness. lots of stuff has gone one and some i'm not sure about and some i'm just indifferent about.

it makes me sad that i am not talking to some people but i dunno i guess thats how it is.

so weird like my ex best friend messaged me on facebook i dunno thats just weird to me. and its not like i hate her cause i don't we had really amazing times but we just weren't the best friends we could have or should have been. i mean we weren't close everyone thought we were but really we weren't. only one person could see that and i'm still friends with him luckily we had rough patches but we're cool and i'm very blessed because of it. i'm blessed by firends that live far. better than nothing right? but anyway back to erica i dunno its just so weird its hilarious too cause like she told evan "when amy and i broke up..." that part just made me laugh cause it sounds so funny. but yeah i mean it was just time for our friendship to end simple as that. and honestly it kind of scares me to think what if that never happened i wouldn't be the person i am now. and thats just weird to think about.

i really love my friends like i said evan and i have kinda reconnected i mean we had talked off and on but now its like more regular and today he asked if i wanted to fly out and then drive back home with him. hes been in arkansas for a few years and is now getting a divorce and moving back home. so i dunno its something to think about. sounds super fun though i just need to get my ducks in a row before i can find that out. but yeah people are fun and amazing and i feel much happier now.

i need to work on paralell parking super bad. things seem to have calmed down around here which i'm super grateful for.

but church man last week was nuts i dunno what it is but theres a super lackage of volunteers and of the ones we have not showing up at all. so annoying and stressfull. last week i did childrens ministry two services stayed for a bbq after church and then went to a meeting and then i was trying to stay so i could actually go to service but i was falling asleep so i went home. crazy crazy

tuesday i came down with a cold didn't sleep well that night not much at all really. but then last night i slept for 11 hours i feel a bunch better actually so thats cool.

i dunno if i had more to say. OH i might be doing this blogger book review thing its super exciting to me. uhh i need to work outa nd shed these pounds

i dunno what else really. i'm just excited for september and things to come for once i'm not sad about it and that gives me hope. so thats all i got for now.

"scream..deeper i want to scream, i want you to hear me.."

well i feel like crap right now i feel like how the weather is outside stormy, cold, rainy, gloomy that's how it is.

i don't even know how i feel really right now i just know i feel blah. here is how my life has been lately and then me ranting and all sorts of other nonsense

the day after the baby shower i talked about in the long entry before this one. well my dog had a seizure at like 3 or 4 in the morning on that Sunday then mom told me i had a really hard time keeping it together at church so i only watched kids and went home. and then cried like all day and then 5:45 that night she had another seizure so she got taken to the emergency vet and lots of crying on my part and stress on everyone Else's but we didn't really have answers. right now we still don't have a definitive answer on anything. but we're exhausting all options. right now we're waiting for blood tests to come back really complicated ones so we will know for sure if its her thyroid. the other thing could be canine epilepsy but I'm still not sure about that. but its all so stressful and exhausting mentally and physically i don't jump at every noise she makes anymore but we were all doing that for awhile. but even now like we have to have at least two people here at all times just in case she has another one. one has to hold her down and the other has to give her the meds we have for just in case. we're also taking a gamble on things because we were supposed to give her epilepsy meds after she had her blood taken last Monday but we didn't want to cause what if its not that and the thyroid well yeah. so just praying about that.

lets see what else I'm really blah and depressed about a lot of things and its not like i can get out and go somewhere i can't and even if i could I'd have no where to go or anyone to see so its kinda sucko.

that's not all folks it gets worse.

i really need to blog more so these don't get so effing long.

the other day i watched munchkin for 6 hours. he totally was trying to beat me up but that's not the point. the point is my neighbor has two dogs and they are either stuck inside this small pantry like room or outside. and they were in their pantry room when i got there i eventually let them out once munchkin got up from his nap. and i felt so bad for them cause they get little to no attention cause my neighbor always shoos them outside or in their little room. and it breaks my heart. but no nono its worse. so i kept them in the House well i let them outside but it was raining so i let them back in. and i was looking at them one of them the older dog is sooo unkempt like she has long hair and her hair on her feet is like longer than her paws for reals and then her nails are super long i know cause she jumped on me. they aren't trained the other one is a short hair dog so that doesn't matter. but really they are very unkempt and it makes me so sad. and they get like no attention you can tell cause they almost like barreled me over when they wanted attention i gladly gave it to them. cause they are sweet dogs i would steal them if i could. especially the little one she crawled up in my lap on the couch. shes not little little just smaller than the other dog. anyway so i went to put them back in the room cause it was raining and munchkin needed to eat dinner. but i was trying to find something to entice them to go to the room and yeah cause they aren't trained either. and i went to go find dog bones first of all the dog food bin was open. that's just not right its gross bugs can go in. well i found dog bones, they were expired in 2008! i was like are you serious? and the open bag had bugs in it. i put it back only cause i didn't feel right about going through her things and throwing stuff out. so i just got a cracker and threw it in there for the dogs. and then later i was looking in the older ones mouth. and it looks like her teeth are rotting. i swear it broke my heart so bad i cried when i got home.

on to the next subject I'm crazy with my PMS but I'm also gonna screw things up cause I'm screwball. I'm having issues and I'd like to talk to one specific person about it. but there have been things that have gone on and i just feel like i can't talk to them cause i feel like if i do I'll screw it all up and it will be all weird and we won't be like we were before i could just be neurotic but that's how i feel right now. it makes me cry literally. yesterday in fact the whole thing made me cry off and on all day and the only thing that made me stop was organizing my Cd's cause I'm a ding dong and that's what i did it took forever. I'm so blah about all of this and so sad about this particular situation and its probably not even a situation but i am choosing to ignore said person and not say anything. cause I'm a screw up its cool.


in other news my best friend Colin is taking me to see weezer in September hes amazing. that's the only good thing i have to say.

my stomach hurts super bad right now its good times anyway i guess I'll wrap this up now. late.

ugh i just don't know i'm tired my stomach hurts and i'm all jumbled up how fun.

more later

ugh why? just WHY?

realizations last night someone very amazing to me said this:

"yeah, I trust very few people but the people I do trust, I trust deep like family sometimes deeper"

and then i got to thinking about that really heavily and this is what i said:

so i was thinking about something you said last night about how the people you trust you trust like family and stuff and then i got to thinking and realized it was super sad because i don't trust my family for the most part and I'm not even close to most of them which is sad but that's how it is and i dunno if I'd change it honestly i would with my dads side its so weird though cause like that side is super loving when they see you hugs and i love yous and we rarely see them but its kind of weird to me cause the other side which i see a lot is like no touchy kind of thing and dirty jokes and just all around negativity and its i dunno i just think its sad in some cases i trust people who I'm not even that close to more than I'd trust family. i don't enjoy being around my moms side of the family if anyone it'd be around my cousin Heidi and her son marcell i wish we saw my dads side more but we don't and i dunno i just am not close to my family i mean i guess to some degree i am to my immediate family not really my bro though which is to be expected but i dunno its just weird and sad another thing that is sad is that when family members have died i wasn't affected by it at all i feel kinda douchey sometimes for that but i wasn't close to them i don't know them so i can't be upset I'm just not close to my family and it really is sad but at the same time i am not really sure i want to be cause i really am not fond of the people they are. that's horrible but true. *sigh* it is what it is i guess I'm just grateful for amazing friends who are more family to me than even my family is.


so there we have it. again it just i dunno like i went to a baby shower today it was my dads side of the family my cousin by marriage is pregnant and she had her shower today and then i thought about this stuff more and more cause you just see how close she is with everyone else and how "love you"'s are spread around and you can tell how loving she really is and i wish that it was like that and i wish that we saw them more i mean my cousins (they are way older than me) have had kids and I've only seen the kids like 3 or 4 times and they are like 10 at the oldest now and it just is sad missing all that. and having that closeness that we don't have but ugh i dunno.

anyway at the baby shower i won a prize i won a spa gift certificate which is super weird cause I've never won anything. but yeah and the presents we made were much loved and ooed and awed over it was good stuff.

i dunno what else i want to say so i will give up right now and go to bed.

and oh what fun we had.

or no fun at all. you decide. my verdict is no fun at all! fancy that.

i'm not gonna lie things suck. reallyreally suck lately.

i'm super grumpy and tired and sick of everything.

first of all i was sick the whole month of march i got sick again a week and a half ago i'm better don't worry but super annoying. then this swine flu? cmon people freak me out more i mean ugh i just hate it.

another thing is i'm really tired of my "friends" they don't even notice i'm not around for 2 months, but then i get a text yesterday and it was about a bonfire and then i said in facebook status that i wasn't going. well the text had "be there or be lame" so i put "i'll be lame thanks" in my facebook status. and then i geta text asking why i don't want to go. and then its like a huge guilt trip about me not going. excuse me? you're giving me an effing guilt trip? HELLO YOU HAVEN'T MADE ONE OUNCE OF CONTACT WITH ME AND YOU'RE GETTING ALL HOT AND BOTHERED? uhhhh noooo. sorry it doesn't work like that.

anyway i agreed to go but then oh get this? no one would give me a ride? haha guilt trip about not going then no ride? sooo much sense. and THEN there ended up being a shooting there so i'm really glad i didn't go.

another thing that bugs me i'm sorry this is all rant city but its my blog so i guess thats what its for. someone i know is thinking she's pregnant she has one kid already shes like 7 months old or something. but she thinks she is pregnant and doesn't want to be. soo she told me brb i'm gonna go fall down the stairs. and i'm all wtf and then later shes like well tomorrow i'll just go to the park and fall down a lot really hard. holy geez seriously that made me a puddle of tears just thinking about it. it sickens me and i can't say anything cause she'll get all mad at me for whatever reason but seriously? SERIOUSLY? she says she'll resent the baby if she is pregnant cause she can't absorb all of her first childs baby time. which is absolutely idiotic to me. but you know whatever..


i've been super blah/depressed/anti-social lately and i'm just in a hugehuge funk of a mood i dunno what to do to get out of it or if i can get out of it. but i wish i had friends i don't feel like i fit anywhere. and the friends i do have they live sooo far away i long for them. but it won't help

i miss my bff DO YOU READ THAT BFF I MISS YOU!


oh and i chopped off my hair on tuesday it was a few inches past my shoulder. it is now chin length i lovee it lots.

i dunno if there is anything else to say. church tomorrow should be interesting we probably have new procedures i think i might be stressed tomorrow ackkk okay whatever ohhh parking i've done okay with parking i practiced the other day i need to practice more and i reallyreally need a job oi.

k thats all for now later suckas

why don't you just shoot me. that would be easier right?

sometimes i wonder

what it would be like to have friends that dont' suck. that don't ignore you or include you or even make you invisable.


that would be amazing to have really amazing friends.

that is not something i'm blessed with in seattle.


in other states yes but not here. love my life.

thanks for the confidence in me mom.

i'm glad you think i can't drive very well and don't have fast reaction times so i suck. wooooo.


great times.

oh how things change

so lots has happened.

since last time i posted i have reconciled with that friend. it wasn't as big of a deal as i thought but still. so yay!

and last week i had two no three God moments that was amazing i tell you. one was through justin that was great. and one was during the other church i sometimes go to after i got prayed for. and then others on my own.

i really feel convicted about not reading my bible. thats a huge thing for me i need to do it. and i went to bible study with my friends. so that was good.

but wednesday i got hit with a cold a really bad one. and on thursday i had a fever and went running around that was a bad idea cause it only made me worse. so i'm slowly on the mend but oi.

i did a lot of hanging out with people that was good cause usually i'm super shy and super anti-social so i'm starting to get out of my box and i love it really. cause i love my friends. thank the lord for that. seriously.

another thing is well i had this friend and we had been best freinds for 7-8 yearsish and then we had a falling out to say the least we didn't talk for awhile. like over a year and a halfish. and started talking again few months ago but still have had some rough moments. well hes in town now.

and i saw him today it was a little awkward at first but it was great. honestly even though it wasn't very long it was great. the hugs and we had to hold hands during the service for a thing. and i got a squeezy hand thing and it was good but then hand holding lingered and i was awkward so i let go hahhaha i'm so effing weird. but thats how it is hopefully we will hang out tomorrow but i have missed him so much.

wheeee hopefully i'll do a bunch of hanging out with nat this week we want to hang out and i love her to death seriously i love all of them and am so blessed to have them and i am so stupid for being anti-social and not reaching out when i needed help. i know they are there but its hard.

i can't wait for my friend to move back and for justin to move back it will be glorious!

hopefully i'll feel better enough to start working out again. i stopped when i got sick. and i am trying to learn how to crochet granny squares.

thats a little bit of whats going on with me. if you need prayer or just want to talk hit me up yo!

i wish more people read this but i don't know if many would care oh wells. peace out!

well today it really wasn't as bad as i thought. haha the kids were so funny. phrases today included

oh snap
peace out *hand sign*

those were said by 2 year olds it was amazing.


but the other thing the guy was there and i'm pretty sure he saw me and he went the other way first and then i think he saw me again i saw him cause i walked right past him and next thing i knew he was gone from there. cause i was super paranoid and looking all around. what can i say? but yeah it made me super relieved.

i got an amazing hug from mel and her kids were so cute they always are. but as they were leaving they both go "mommy i really like amy" SO cute i loved it. and mel is like "i do too" it was great.


but i am still bogged down there is a situation which i'm not sure the other person in this situation is even aware of but i'm so blah about it. it kills me inside and i dunno hwo to bring it up and i don't know how to talk and if eel so far away from this person and it is just horrible cause he is one of my best friends but ugh i dunno maybe i hsouldn't do anything or say anything but i feel like there is a huge wall.


in other news i wanted to hang out with people but then i never texted anyone i jsut want hugs i want to be the huggy affectionate person i once was. i want that back cause maybe it would be a little better. but i wish my life was different but oh well. anyway i didn't text anyone cause i kind of fell asleep on the couch and then wouldn't get up cause i was so warm and comfy. haha whooops.

we'll see what happens with tomorrow but i'll be at church again ack.

i also want to make an afghan crazy i know. considering i've only made scarves and some hats that didn't work. i gave up on them cause i don't have my books yet. :( so sad. anyways thats all for now.

I'm so cold but i need to get this out i also need to sleep but alas blogging calls me. as if i haven't done enough of that today.


but tomorrow ugh tomorrow. i will be at church all day that's not the problem. I'm happy to do it. but its just the fact that someone i don't need to see or interact with will be there.

this guy did something to me that i cannot ever forget i can't erase it and i wish i could but it was violating (true not as violating as most things but it was extremely violating to me) and i wont' divulge the details. but its really hard for me still and it happened 4 years ago. it makes me scared out of my mind that hes gonna be at my campus tomorrow.

we are having a conference at church and all the campus' will gather at my campus and i didn't look at the RSVP list first before i volunteered which I'm kind of kicking myself about because that really sucks i can't back out. but it just freaks me out that he could see me during the lunch break he could try to talk to me and really it makes me so scared i could pee myself ugh i dunno what to do i wish i had someone to distract me from it but its in my head and it scares me. i hope nothing will happen cause i probably wouldn't be able to handle it very well at all. i just pray that he stays away from me.

i should go to bed. i mean i have that on my mind along with other things that are just eating at me. and i can't help it. i can't talk about stuff and I'm frustrated with people but i don't tell them and I'm sure it makes it worse but i dunno its just how i am i guess i wish it wasn't that way but it is and i dunno how to change it.

most of this probably doesn't' make sense but its late and I'm cold and nervous and i just need to go to bed. pray for me in the morning if you think of it.

to my bff

i would like everyone to know about my bff. his name is steve and he is amazing.

by far most amazing person i know (sorry if you thought that you were most amazing keep thinking it though i don't want to shoot your ego down).


he has always been there for me and i will always be there for him.

he cares and thats rare these days and he means more to me than i could ever express. and it kills me that he is so far away but i know that when we finally meet it will be epic. yes EPIC people. we will hug and we will laugh and laugh more mostly about poop or fart jokes. or about maple syrup we might cry about charlie but hey its an emotional subject. give us a break.

and then we will go on an adventure to candy mountain and laugh more about the kid after the dentist while on commercial break from lost. we will listen to good music cause he will never steer me wrong.

yeah see amazing right? thats what i thought.


long story short i love my bff a lot and hes the best bff i could ever and probably will ever have in my life. and i wouldn't change it for anything.

thank you and goodnight.

things i have bought recently

i got my tax return back last week so i went shopping for things i needed very badly and here is what i bought (also some silly weird pictures first):

the best birthday card i've ever gotten.

i'm annoyed and blah and all of the above

this sums it up (mostly the bold but the whole song applies and its stuck in my head):


I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for naught

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

maybe theres hope somewhere..

well birthday sucked its okay i expected it. but i just wish it didn't suck as much as it did. i got bailed out on twice. and i was hormonal so it made it worse. the day after my birthday i slipped and ran into the car, stupid slush and i hurt myself. i didn't really like this week much.

but maybe something good will happen.

i need to stop being so anti-social but you know its sometimes a defense mechanism. and i always revert back to it.

i really miss those i care about most and i wish so bad i could be there for them. one in particular. it kills me really it does. ugh.

in other news. today i fixed up my resume some and sent it off to a lady. i saw the listing on my church social networking site. and so i sent it off not really thinking anything of it cause i don't anymore. but less than an hour later i got an email back wanting me for an interview so i'm going there on saturday and i'm hopefull just praying thats where God wants me cause i really need to be some place this whole business is killing me inside. so i just pray this will work out. and if not whatever will be the plan will be revealed soon.

i need to make money and go places. i need to get a car and drive and just drive. or go to be with those who need me most. it just has to happen i need to be fine and do things.

thats all for now pray if you would about my possible job opportunity thanks.

mmhmm

Joshua Radin
Amy's Song lyrics

You asked me to write a tune
All about the things that go wrong
And then you asked me to come home soon
To the place where I belong

But you stand on the other side
Of the line in this place
And you can't see me, you are blind
And this you can fake
No, this you can fake.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

And I don't know if I can write about
Chosen walls and the things you feel
And I don't know if I can sing aloud
Closing doors showing you what's real

But I know when I close my eyes,
Late at night, there's only one thing
The night's shown that she can lie
Its your face, show me something
Can you show me something

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

What do you want me to say
All I know is love - it's ok
I'll write what I know
And you do the same
Tell me I'm sane.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

rantrant and some rawrness

i'm pretty mad and frustrated and you name it i have it. what you ask. well you didn't really but this is my blog and i'm saying things if i want to.

well my birthday is coming up and to tell you the truth i'm not too happy about it. if you asked me i would skip it in a heartbeat. i know some people are super excited about their birthdays. thats not me. because mine usually suck and result in me crying and being depressed on a day that is supposed to be happy. well it just makes me sad thinking about my birthday cause i know it won't be a joyus happy day. i won't get presents i mean i guess i dont' normally get presents anytime so its not anytime different. no one will remember it or call and no one will want to do anything.

i want to feel appreciated and i don't. i feel like it doesn't matter. does it even matter that i'm around? i mean no one really says anything. i feel jipped because i do so much for others and i never get anything back. i'm not a selfish person but seriously on my birthday? shouldn't i get things? i should be at least appreciated and loved but i don't even get that. i'm not trying to be selfish or mememe. but crap i just want to be loved and appreciated on my birthday. gifts welcome hugs and all such things. but its too much to ask for. i can't even get one ounce of anything for all that i do for people.

i always showered people with gifts and love and every time i'd get money for christmas or my birthday i'd ALWAYS spend it on other people and not me. its just sad that no one thinks to do anything for me. and that my friends is why i would like to skip it. i'll just end up crying anyways.


in other news i'm kind of sick of being blown off. i'm a person too i have feelings i do want to do things but i dn't because why even bother? i mean i try to get people to do things with me but in the end i'm a boring person and no one would want to hang out with me. (i know this is a stupid blah post but its mine so deal)

i just get sick of trying.

in other news hormones are fun. but that isn't why i'm writing this i've felt this way for a long time.

thats all for now i guess.

rejoice part 2

i didn't have time to blog this morning about it.

but yesterdays church sermon really got me thinking and i haven't really processed it all yet. i need to listen to the sermon again so i can fully grasp it all. but it was deep and totally spoke to me. how exactly i'm not sure as i need to listen to it again. but i dunno it just hit me deep inside.

onto other things.

i feel sort of crazy for making a new blog even though i know it was a right thing to do. i feel like i can't blog in my other ones cause it has so much of the past hurts and dreams and whatnot in it but i'm not there anymore. i don't need to relive that pain. so afresh i go. hopefully that will be better. and i did feel so much need to blog but it just got so painful cause i'd have to go to livejournal and blog in that same blog of crazy and hurt and. i had to keep it private for some reason. but its just silly.

i needed this to get things out so i don't have to hold it in anymore. i hope this will be better for me.

ever since yesterday morning at church. one song we sung i don't remember the name of it. if i listened to them i could figure out the name. its not the normal traditional songs. at my church mostly they write their own so its cool but this one did have the line "rejoice in the Lord always, and again i say rejoice" and it just really has stuck in my head since yesterday. i just really need to process and work through everything.

today wasn't such a crappy day which i'm not used to cause normally all my days are so crappy and depressed filled. but i don't talk about it i try to ignore it. but today was a family day i was pretty much forced to go cause i never go. they always do things i don't want to do. we were gonna go to the zoo but the day started out dicey as i didn't feel very good at all. i've had such a horrible time sleeping lately. but the zoo was packed so i was like well lets go to the science center we haven't gone there in a longlong time. it was fun we saw an imax movie about the nile river and we went around the rest of the science center. and we also went out to dinner. all in all it was a pretty okay day. i mean it wasn't pee your pants exciting but it was better than most days.

tomorrow i will work on driving and parking with my dad thank goodness cause i keep trying to get my parents to do this with me but they never listen. the point is to get my lisence so i don't have to keep waitng and waiting for rides and taking the bus. so i want to get this driving thing down. but yeah then my last knitting class. and wednesday i got roped into watching toddlers at church. i love them but i don't get to watch lost on tv that night. which is okay really cause i haven't watched all of season 4 yet either. but still.

and the last but not least thing.

i really love scarves. they are simply amazing. thats all for now.

rejoice

rejoice in the lord always and again i say REJOICE

i will write more bout this later cause i have to leave soon but i just wanted to throw it out.

first post

well i'm not quite sure how to start this but here it is. i am amy and this is my blog of rambles welcome.

here i will spew out my nonsense, my frustrations, my failures, my happiness, my accomplishments and so on and so forth.

maybe my insecurities and how i grow along the way. but i have a long way to go. thats for sure. and maybe through this blog i will grow unlike the other blogs i have which only hold the past. i need to move forward from that stuff and here i am trying. so thats all i have folks. goodbye and goodnight.