oh christmas eve

Wow almost Christmas eve. Its such a weird time right now. Everything seems to be so wacked out. But at moments I wouldn't change it for the world honestly. Even if its all in disarray. Christmas eve will be weird. I haven't gone to the family get together in 2 years now. And its a whole lot less drama for me. Last year it was cause dad had surgery on the 23rd. So we weren't gonna go anywhere at all. That was the first Christmas that the boy spent with us too. This year I am not going by choice. I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with the drama. Its so silly. I almost can't stand it its so silly. I am going to go to church for the first time ever on Christmas eve. I'm so stinkin excited about it. I get to watch my kids at church sing. Its gonna be sooooo cute I cannot wait. Plus I get to spend the time with the boy. Christmas is our 1 year anniversary. That was the time we realized that we had feelings about each other. Its so weird to think about. I mean we have been together for so long. But really I think we were together the instant he moved up here last October. Its just so weird a good weird.

Some of his family is pretty enjoyable. At least through email. Cause obviously I don't know much about otherwise. Its such a blessing. I have been blessed in general. Just this week. I normally watch each of the girls twice a week. This week it was only once per girl. And both parents gave me a card and a gift card for 25 dollars. Its so not even necessary but I am so grateful for it. It is such a nice thing. I'm not used to that happening at all. My first instinct is to just go out and get something for them real quick. But they don't do it to get something in return. And I know that. But I’m just not used to getting presents at all. And its so disorienting when it does happen. I'm such a huge weirdo.

Well my car hasn't gotten broken into again yet. I think its happened twice or three times. I can't tell. But either way its annoying. There isn't anything but garbage in there. And clothes and feminine products in the trunk haha. I am prepared what can I say? Actually i'm not sure if my ice scraper is gone. I don't remember. Might have to check that out later.

I'm trying to write a lot of my reviews so I can just save and post later. Which is working. But then I haven't posted anything for my examiner page. Which is somewhat annoying. But I keep forgetting. I've also been trying to finish up these things i'm making for people. I'm half through my list. Plus I need to fix justins scarf. Which probably will just be redone totally cause I don't know how to fix it. Oh well it won't take that long. I've also got my huge pile of books to read which I haven't been doing either. Oh bother. I'm kinda behind on anything and everything I guess. Oh well what can you do right? Life kinda got away from me.

I am so grateful for the boy too. Living without him would be hard. I am not a huge sappy person but he gets that and doesn't get upset that I am not sappy. I do love him a lot. Its amazing at how much you could love someone. I just want him to get a job asap but I guess it'll happen when it happens. I am a worrier. Which is annoying but it is what it is. I need to trust more but trust is a hard thing. It is for everyone.

Things are looking up and that’s what I have to focus on.

Tom's of Maine

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Toms of Maine. All opinions are 100% mine.

Have you heard of Tom's Of Maine

Its a line of natural hygiene products. They have tooth paste and deodorant. I'm not sure what else they have. But I use their deodorant. I'm not a totally organic freak but I didn't want to use aluminum in my deodorant so I switched to toms and its amazing. I use the clear roll on and it works pretty well. I'm happy with it.

I also like the toothpaste because I don't like mint stuff at all so finding a toothpaste for me that isn't a kids one that is difficult. But they have ones that aren't mint. So that's amazing for me.

Now they are doing a That's Wicked Fresh contest page, you go to the link and like and follow them on facebook and there are prizes. just go share you're favorite wicked fresh moment! i hope you will check them out soon. i am pretty pleased with their products. its a shame i didn't find them sooner. but please check out the contexts and try out their products as soon as possible! you won't regret it!

remember to check out their cavity protection toothpaste.

times

"I know i need you I need to love you I love to see you, and its been so long i long to feel you i feel this need for you' and i need to hear you is that so wrong?
 
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
 
now you pulled me near you when we're close i fear you still im afraid to tell you all that i've done are you done forgiving? or can you pass my pretending? Lord i'm so tired of defending what i've become what have i become?
 
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.
 
i hear you say "my love is over, its underneath, its inside, its in between the times you doubt me, when you can't feel the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?' the times you've broken, the times that you mend the times you hate me and the times that you bend well my love is over, its underneath its inside, its in between, these times you're healing and when your heart breaks the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace the times you're hurting
the times that you heal the times you go hungry and attempted to steal in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame im there through your heartache im there in the storm my love i will keep you by my power alone i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been i'll never forsake you my love never ends, it never ends mmm, mmm
 
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh" - Times by Tenth Avenue North


This song has been on my mind lately it has struck me. especially when it says "the times you're healing the times your heart breaks the times that you've falling from grace" and then " my love is over its underneath its inside its in between" its so relevant! I've had a really crappy last 7 days. but I'm still here i guess that counts for something. 

but there was the car accident so that's stressful. i didn't know if it was gonna trigger a seizure from the dog. i was pretty worried about it. and it is around the time she would be having one. she has one every three months about. so there was that. but then the family is down a car. but then there is my car. i didn't drive it much last week. i hadn't been in it for like 4 days. i went in it and all my stuff was on my passenger seat but my car was locked. i thought it was weird.  and my flashlight was gone.  i felt super violated but i thought oh maybe my dad did it. he didn't do it.  but i didn't get it cause i had locked my car and it was locked when i went in it. the next day i looked at it in the daylight. and determined that someone did break into it but they were like professional or something. didn't break anything and totally locked it and closed the compartments they went in when they were finished. who does that?!?!?! like  honestly..

then that day also i had to go watch the munchkin and i had to do some stuff for Justin and then later on i was gonna take him to class but that never happened cause he didn't get his work done and that was frustrating the whole day was frustrating and i sorta had a breakdown it was annoying. but I'm still alive. then there were just little things that went wrong. 

things are starting to look up again. we got our tree yesterday though i was so cranky yesterday i got better but smashing into that little car for that long of a time almost made me puke. oi. today no church i slept instead (crime right?) and maybe some writing but I'm trying to find a laptop used so i don't have to get one new. meh we'll see. anyways that's about all for now.

Book Review- The Snowflake by Jamie Carie

  

The Snowflake 

Well this next book up for christmas reviews is The Snowflake by Jamie Carie. Not familiar with this author. But it seemed like a good read. It was sent to me by B&H publishing for review purposes. That doesn't affect this in anyway.

This is set in 1897, around Christmas time. The main character is Ellen, she is traveling with her brother. They are bound and determined to reach the Alaska gold rush. Problems arise with the ship they are on, ice hinders them from going anywhere. Onto plan b they go! Buck makes a decision to travel on foot, going to Dawson City. Buck is another main character that comes in the story. He wants to leave behind a really distressing part of his life. He is determined to put all that in the past. But not until he explores it a little more. Though Ellen strikes him and he quickly starts to fall for her. Ellen stays behind in Dawson City. The stay there isn't a relaxing time. You'll see why when you read it. It would be bad of me to ruin the whole thing. But all in all its not what was expected.

The Snowflake is a great read. Also it's a nice story for Christmas time. It would also be cute to just set out on the table as a decoration. The cover is so cute and Christmasy!

never a dull moment

that's for sure. i almost wish my life would go back to being dull and boring again.

here has been whats happening.

first off i got accepted to write for the examiner! so I'm excited about that. I'm gonna post book reviews up there fitting right? so here is where my profile is. http://www.examiner.com/christian-literature-3-in-seattle/amy-clark check it out and look and post my link everywhere! it will be awesome!

also yesterday my dad, brother and our dog got in a car accident. thank goodness for great neighbors who come running to help. my neighbor Joe came rushing over here. i had to get the dogs harness and leash. my dad was taking my brother to work. and the dog barely ever has a collar one. so i had to go down there but Joe got a call from his wife Kim who was driving on that stretch and saw them so he came to help so thank goodness he did. my mom was sick puking and the works so i had to do everything and i was freaking out cause i was so stressed and had fifty million things coming at me all at once. everyone is okay thank goodness but it looks like that car is totaled. bleh but i guess things could be worse.


its so funny too cause i had posted about it on facebook and then my cousin texts then she called her mom. who called my grandparents and grandpa was home alone he listened to the message started freaking out, then he called grandma she called here. and that was that. but then today my uncle (dads brother) called and talked and he heard from his kids who saw my facebook too. hahah i have a string of communication apparently. its hilarious. i guess it keeps things interesting guess i should post more things so they all talk to us more. ah well.

also a while ago dad kept saying that he wanted a new car. i was like well i guess you shouldn't have said that. couple weeks ago when we got snow my Friend had been wearing snow socks. and we all said her snow socks worked too well. so this was the case with my dad saying he wanted a new car. it is kinda good that it happened now. it needed work. but the bad thing is he had just filled up the tank a couple days before. ugh but pretty sure its totaled so hopefully we will get a settlement and such. it wasn't dads fault.

but another reason our neighbors are awesome. they offered for us to use their car if we needed a bigger car for something. they are so amazing to us they don't even know! I'm so glad their house didn't sell and they stayed here.

so thats it from here for now!

Book Review- Carol by Bob Hartman

 Carol: A Story for Christmas 

Carol by Bob Hartman is a book that is about Christmas (obviously, right?) This is a really cute looking book and it's so small like a gift book. Though it's short it really is a great story. It is a play on the Christmas Carol. This in the category of those variations of the Christmas Carol in TV shows or movies that just have different settings. It does have some of the same themes.

Instead of Scrooge, the main character is an older guy named Jack who hates everything about Christmas. He's a very grumpy and kinda selfish man who has a bad day every day. But instead of being obsessed with money he's obsessed with music. After running into a gorgeous woman at the bookstore (literally), they start hitting it off while listening to a retro song. He gets sucked into a flashback which starts their reflection of his whole life from the early days to his future.

Not totally sure what I personally thought about it before I started reading it. There were really no expectations but I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not. In the end I really enjoyed it. The story was cute but also thought-provoking, and pretty entrancing. Seeing what happened next was a suspense you couldn't put down. At least I couldn't. It really does make you think about how Christmas is perceived these days. All the hustle and bustle on getting gifts and all the stress, while the meaning of Christmas is lost. Sometimes you just have to sit down and have a cup of coffee (or tea in my case) and think about it rather than get infuriated. All in all it was a great book. Check it out!

Jack O'Malley hates shopping,snow, and even Christmas. All three at once is Jack's idea of a very bad day. Storming into a Starbucks seeking escape, Jack runs smack into a beautiful and mysterious stranger, almost knocking her over and unintentionally changing his life forever. In this one moment his entire life—who he once was, who he is, and who he has the potential to become—flashes before his eyes. In this humorous rendering of Charles Dickens' classic tale, timeless lessons are reexamined through the lens of modern society. The result is funny, moving, and ultimately thought-provoking. [-Amazon]

no drama? wow thats a shock!

thanksgiving was SO weird cause there was no drama and no family. but its a GOOD weird. seriously thats my first relaxing holiday. the boy and i spent it with friends from church and a lot of her family. and boy was it refreshing i LOVED it. oh man it was so fun. we will definitely be hanging with them again. that was a joyus thing.

but of course the drama from the other side continues. my granny wouldn't even go to her great grandchild's party. shes such a stinkface. she had us go pick up the stuff for his birthday and take it to my cousins house. so annoying. then my other cousin is annoying cause hes an alcoholic and he wont' talk to my cousin heidi cause she called him a "drunk" she did say alcoholic which is true he is. and it runs in the family. but whatever it is what it is i guess. so he didn't show up at the party but my other cousin. he did but he recently got back into drinking/drugs and he looked SO bad and seemed super off to me. its just so sad. i dunno what to do cause i can't do anything really.

i'm just glad i read or craft to cope with things that bug me haha. such a healthier way to deal with things. there is eating crappy foods too but i generally start to feel yucky after doing that.

i've been soooooo tired lately. last night i think i slept 10 hours and i was good but then a couple hours after i woke up i was tired all over again. crikey.

oh! our family thanksgiving on saturday went well. our friend david was sick but his wife and his daughter still came. we played apples to apples. my cousin came over with the boys too! so it was a fun group. always good to have great friends who you consider family over. and my cousin enjoyed it too. then yesterday was a birthday party at my cousins house. and that was pure insanity. all those boys were insane. so loud oh man. but it probably didn't help that i didn't sleep all THAT much and then had 15 toddlers in the morning service. boy i had a day of crazy kids yesterday.

i applied to be a writer for the examiner so i'm hoping i make it cause that could be good. i'm gonna rewrite all my book reviews and then post reviews there so that will be great. i hope i make it in! anyways i guess thats all i got for right now.

i also made a forum for my blogfrog community go check it out and talk it would be amazing! and stay tuned for christmas book reviews!

Doc Martens on Zappos

Doc Martens are celebrating their fiftieth anniversary of both culture and class. For decades the Doc Marten brand has set an industry standard of quality and comfort. Their name has become almost synonymous with the word "boot." I still remember in high school when everyone around me was talking about their Doc Martens and how much they loved them. The trend has continued to this day.

Zappos.com has a wonderfully diverse selection of Doc Marten boots, shoes and sandals in all sizes, styles and colors ranging from original to stylish. Their standard shipping is free just as with all of their products. I highly recommend their website for all your Doc Marten needs.

Their prices are not only reasonable and often competitive with Doc Marten's site, but there are some nice markdowns as well. I encourage anyone reading this post to check out the great deals they're offering and get some awesome shoes for a great discount.

happy thanksgiving?

i dunno I'm not too big on holidays mostly cause they normally suck. this year is weird. my grandma decided she was gonna have thanksgiving but the thing is i doubt anyone is coming and she didn't even invite my cousin. ugh these people. they are all so messed up.

but we're not going I'm going to a friend from church house. i was stoked she invited the boy and i so we are going. my family is having our thanksgiving on Saturday with family friends and my cousin and her boys.  so that's that. but its also been snowy and icy and crazy. hopefully it will be fine. its warmed up a bit.

its gonna be weird i dunno the whole thing sucks. but i guess i wasn't close to the family at all anyways. but i have the boy and that's good and my immediate family is great. so i am blessed that way not much more i can ask for i guess. well a bit of energy would be good! i don't have any right now and i need to go finish baking cookies.

i dunno what else is going on. I'm making the boy a Christmas stocking its starting to be pretty good its granny squares I'm loving it! anyways i guess i should go cause i can't remember what i was gonna write about anyways. haha.

Book Review - She Walks in Beauty by Siri Mitchell

 

She Walks in Beauty

next book off the pile of never ending books (hooray! no seriously i love boooks) is She walks in Beauty by Siri Mitchell. i really thought i wasn't gonna enjoy this book at all. it kinda looked and sounded super boring but i was gonna at least try to read it. it did take a long time to read it but it was actually pretty good and drew me in. this is in the era of debuting a daughter to get married off basically. the whole thing is kinda weird. the dances and whatever. i just find that odd. but it wasn't a bad book it ended sorta weird for me. but i guess it was good. not my favorite book thats for sure but i got through it. 

thanks to bethany house for providing this for me to review. i wasn't compensated in anyway.

Book Review - Resurrection in May by Lisa Samson

 

Resurrection in May

"May Seymour graduated from college with the world at her feet and no idea what to do with it.  A mission trip to Rwanda brought her a sense of purpose in loving others. So when the genocide began she chose to remain in the village, which was subsequently slaughtered. Only May survived.
May journeyed to heal on the farm of Claudius Borne, a sweet, innocent old man who understood plants and animals far better than people.
Years later, having not stepped a foot off Claudius' farm, May learns an old college flame, now a death-row inmate, is refusing to appeal his sentence. Can she convince him to grab hold of life once again? Their surprising friendship turns the tables, for the prisoner, Eli Campbell, has a deeper faith from which to draw than she. Eli slowly begins to pull May from her cloistered existence. With the help of Eli, their tiny town, and ultimately a renewal of faith, May comes to life once again."

next book i have is Resurrection in may by Lisa Samson. wasn't quite sure what to expect, since i haven't read any books by Lisa at all. so i kinda went into it blindly. the cover drew me in though because its so mysterious. and the book wasn't at all anything i would have expected. as you can tell by the description it kinda goes all over the place. 

it did tend to be kinda confusing at times. with the different parts its almost like 3 books in one. it was really good though once i finally got a chance to sit down and read it, it went pretty fast. it was a pretty amazing and insane story though. so heartbreaking but uplifting at the same time. i would definitely recommend this author  amazing writing here..


thank you to thomas nelson for providing me with this book. i was not compensated in any way.

blog frog

this is the time for people to come out and talk to me! if i set up a blog frog forum for my blog would anyone join and talk?

"Life could you be a little softer to me.

Life could you be more gentle to me.
Yeah I know this is a selfish plea,
Because Christ sacrificed his flesh
On the cross for me
But this world is hard,
It's cruel and I wish it could be...
Softer to me"

yeah that is definitely the song for the season of life. i don't know what to think or do or feel right now. the family drama still going on. not sure where we are going for thanksgiving the whole family is divided and i don't know i just don't. my extended family is pretty much divided on all sides. even my cousin and her siblings are divided right now. its pure craziness.

I'm sick of the drama, I'm sick of the anxiety I'm sick of all of it. i mean i wasn't super close with them anyways and its always been bad just never THIS bad. and its almost too much to handle. last week at church pastor mark did a sermon and he was talking about coveting and how when someone dies everyone fights about the money. and yeah that is what happens I've been through it and its infuriating i HATE it with a passion. its so annoying and i don't know what they are thinking. its so crappy. i wish we had better i wish things were so different but its what i have and i have to deal with it. thankfully they don't really talk to me. i have my cousin and her kids and that's fine. i mean i dunno its just kinda like "eh whatever" i can't do anything. i can't fix it and as much as we wish we could we can't fix them. and its kinda i dunno what it is really. but its just poopy. 

the weirdest thing is though that my grandma now sounds happy and is calling my mom which hasn't happened since august and I'm so baffled by it and can't help but think "when is she gonna snap again" its just how i see it and i know its horrible. but at the same time. i don't really know what it is to have anything different. but it just makes me sad.

I've been so busy lately with nannying and then being with the boy. and doing things and stressing out and running around everywhere and anywhere. when i have downtime i kinda crash.i guess that's good but i kinda miss the time where i have had more downtime haha. but that's not likely to happen. its okay though.

the boy and i have had a lot of good adventures lately. but we have fought a bit too haha but it is bound to happen and we're totally fine. but yeah. i got to see my old friend nessa. that was exciting and i got to see some friends from Oregon last weekend. it just was good and happy and tiring for sure.

so this is my weekend to catch up on it all. thank goodness. the next couple of weeks won't be so busy though. so that's good and bad. good cause more downtime. bad cause its less money. the other family i nanny for is going out of town Wednesday and  i dunno when they are coming back. probably the first part of December. its so hard to believe how fast this year has gone.

i miss a lot of Friends though. i don't really know what to do about that. but i have the boy and i have my immediate family and that's good.  i mean i have what i have and i am grateful for it. that's all i can really do and keep pushing on.

Book Review - Uncertain Heart by Andrea Boeshaar

Uncertain Heart (Seasons of Redemption, Book 2)



I was pretty stoked to get this book to review it! i had reviewed the first one in the series a little bit ago and i LOVED it. i was sorta aprehensive mostly cause the series i've read lately they don't even include the same people as the first book did. and that kinda really bugs me. haha i know a weird thing to be bugged about but thats just me. so i wasn't sure what to expect, i also didn't really remember fully what the other one was about. i did but i didn't remember all details. though this one did tell you a little bit so it came back to me. i have read a lot of books lately so sometimes i tend to mash them all together in my head. haha but i finally got what it was about.

I LOVE the covers of these books. They are so attractive! i know weird but its so true. it just makes you want to know what the book is about. so this one, so good it has scandal it has heartbreak but it also has love and the joy of children. this is about a girl who comes to be a governess (a nanny basically) she had other plans after the set time of this position. but nothing went as she thought. and the book ended on a cliffhanger. so i'm excited for the next one! but this book was amazing nothing like i expected. mostly cause i didn't know what to expect. it has so many twists and turns gotta love it. that is most times what makes a great book. makes you want to read more. so check out the book at the link above!


thank you to Strang publications for the book. i wasn't compensated in anyway for this review.

Book Review - Hearts Awakening by Delia Parr

the next book on my book review pile was hearts awakening. i generally read pretty fast. but i had sat down, opened this one up and before i knew it i was 100 pages in and i was pretty baffled at how that happened. i read the whole book in about three days. obviously not reading straight days but i read this one for maybe an hour a day not quite sure. but pretty fast. this book was totally sweet and sometimes humiliating at the same time. i liked it but sometimes it was a bit infuriating. with how jackson treated ellie and what he said. just assuming things but thats life i guess. doesn't make it any less frustrating. in the end it worked out. ellie wasn't a super attractive girl from what i gather. but i don't think that matters. i'm glad it all worked out and the characters were fun. the boys in the book were funny. super typical for boys their ages. even now. anyway its a great book if you want to check out Hearts Awakening go to the link. 

thanks for providing this for review bethany house!

"With no means to support herself, Ellie Kilmer agrees to work as a housekeeper for the young widower who lives on Dillon Island, hopeful she can obtain a proper reference. But Jackson Smith quickly realizes that Ellie's presence may solve his own problems--both the rearing of his young boys and the scandal that surrounds his first marriage. When a marriage of convenience is offered, Ellie is initially humiliated. Though she is past the age most women marry, she has more pride than to agree to his outlandish suggestion. Yet what options does she have? To marry would mean a home and stability. So despite the rumors circling Jackson and his first wife, Ellie accepts this unlikely proposal..."

become.com

What do you think of when you see a voice recorder? When I think about those I think of doctors recording their thoughts on TV shows or something. I didn't even know they were still made until I saw them on become.com. I had no idea there were so many kinds until I looked it up a bit. (yeah I am pretty random but you love it!) I guess you could also think of people who interview you for a newspaper or magazine. They look so professional just having a voice recorder then asking you a question and putting it in your face. You can find some great prices, at least I think, on become.com!

While I was on there I was also looking at car audio receivers.  I don't know about you, but I LOVE music in my car. With the ability to play Cd's, or plug in a mp3 player, its glorious! I'm not sure how much these usually run for but the prices on become.com seem pretty reasonable to me. I already have one in my car but I have to say that its wonderful to just plug in an mp3 player and listen to it, since its commercial free! I love that freedom. I hope you'll check it out!

Book Review - Somewhere to Belong by Judith Miller

Next up:

Somewhere to Belong by Judith Miller.

honestly this book sounded super boring so i was expecting to read a bit and get super bored with it and not go on with it at all. 

that, however, is not how it went. it ended up to be a great book which i'm hoping to read the next in teh series sometime eventually. this was about a girl well two girls really. one got moved to this small like amish type town and she had been from chicago. there is a lot of details that i can't tell you cause it would ruin it. but there is a lot that goes on. with a lot of secrets and lies. but somehow it all works out. it was so great. not the lies but the book in general. it was such a fast read which wasn't what i was expecting at all. it was a happy surprise. it exceeded my expectations thats for sure. i dunno what else i could say otherwise i'd give up all the details haha. thats something that would happen quite a lot of the time. anyway i hope you check it out. below is the discription on the back of the book. 

thank you to Bethany House for providing this for review!

"Johanna Ilg has lived her entire life in Main Amana, one of the seven villages inhabited by devout Christians who believe in cooperative living, a simple lifestyle, and faithful service to God. Although she's always longed to see the outside world, Johanna believes her future is rooted in the community. But when she learns a troubling secret, the world she thought she knew is shattered and she is forced to make difficult choices about a new life and the man she left behind. Berta Schumacher has lived a privileged life in Chicago, and when her parents decide they want a simpler life in Amana, Iowa, she resists. Under the strictures of the Amana villages, Berta's rebellion reaches new heights. Will her heart ever be content among the plain people of Amana?"

an eeyore kind of day

its not blah outside but i feel like eeyore. not that i care if its blah outside or not.

i guess a lot of things are happening all at once. i have a headache and i don't feel good. but i also  am just down.

along with all the family crap. which has sort of subsided. seems like my grandma only wants to call to see if she can stir up something with my mom and when it doesn't work then she doesn't call. haven't heard from her in a week.  which is probably better since they don't have anything good to say.

i just feel numb today.

i miss people, i miss friends who have seemed to cut me out of their lives. my best friend colin doesn't tell me anything and all of a sudden hes in a relationship with some girl but he doesn't talk to me. doesn't reply to my messages. and i had bad dreams last night about how he didn't care and left me out in the cold. and it just kills me. i've known him for almost 3 years. and i dunno why hes not talking to me. its sad.

there is micah who i've also known for almost the same amount of time. him colin and i and some others got robbed at gunpoint together so you'd think that'd be a huge bond. but he doesn't reply to me either. its just sad these people who were my best friends.  i dunno they seem to be vanished.

another one mike he was a big part of my life and we don't talk at all now. i dunno what happened. did i do something? blah. i've lost so many friendships i dunno why or where or how it all happened but it makes my heart super sad right now.

then there is a situation right now with someone which is annoying me but i know she is doing the same to our other friends.

i just don't know a whole lot right now. i'm frustrated, i'm tired, i'm sad. yeah i have things to be grateful for in the big picture but a person also needs people. and the ones that were most important to me are lost somewhere. it makes me really sad. i'm really irritable right now and i just want to cry. i'm so annoyed in general. i dunno.

maybe i should just lose myself in a book again. i've been reading the one i am reading for 3 days i'm almost done. i read books so fast its scary sometimes. ah well at least i have my books.

i really miss bloom chat. i miss the ladies i bonded with. cause now i'm not around when they are and there is no way for us to really chat. but i can't change that either. blahhhhh.

Book Review - Deadly Disclosures by Julie Cave

This book follows the investigation of abductions, murders and the like. and boy it was good. it was kinda hard to follow at times cause of the evolution and the political mess of some of the characters. and it had a whole mess of people in it. ones that had drinking problems, and ones that were just plain crazy! you get the whole picture in this its like an episode of CSI! it wasn't necessarily my favorite book but it was good. i'm interested in what happens with the next book in the series. the curiosity i have might get the best of me haha. if you want to  pick up   Deadly Disclosures (Dinah Harris Mystery) just click the link. i want to thank new leaf for providing the book so i could review it!

"A Suspense-filled fiction mystery which answers an ominous question: How far will some go to silence an influential Christian voice? FBI agent Dinah Harris now has a missing person's file to go along with a bad case of alcohol abuse and the depression she cannot seem to shake. Fighting to keep her focus, she struggles to find answers for why Thomas Whitfield, the prominent Secretary of the Smithsonian has vanished from his office with foul play almost guaranteed. Whitfield's body is eventually found, and Dinah is drawn into a frightening conspiracy, as more people begin to die, and Whitfield's faith is revealed as part of the motive behind his murder. Dinah finds troubling answers in an academic world filled with powerful financial endowments and a virulent opposition to the faith Whitfield only recently found. Can she reveal the truth before she finds herself the next silenced victim of a ruthless, unseen enemy?"

will the madness ever end?

sitting here just listening to the rain outside. i have my window open and its peaceful. horse feathers playing and rain. good times.

i am not quite sure what to think or feel right now. yesterday my grandma was trying to stir the pot and i don't know why. she needs to just stop talking and stop being nasty to her own flesh and blood. and i feel so done. i don't know why you have to act like that. it is not called for. there was some drama with the estate sale. for one there were lots of storage sheds there which i had no idea about. but the estate people got the go ahead to go through them cause there was junk in them. but my aunt knew there was stuff in there and didn't say anything. and there were pictures in there and now they are most likely gone. even if they are family pictures its just gone and its so frustrating.

its so baffling that people can be like that. grandmas motto right now is "i didn't know" she says that about every situation lately and she DOES know. she is trying to look like the innocent one. and also says thats what my aunt gets for being and honest person. if she was honest she would have said something beforehand about what was in that shed. but she wanted it for herself. and now its all gone. its almost so numbing to think about this. cause i wish i didn't have to, i wish we didn't have to talk about it, or see them at all. i'm so done with all of this mess. and these people i'm done i can't do it much longer. these are sides to these people that i wish i never would have seen. its so heart breaking. but this family is divided even worse than before and i don't think we can recover from it. i don't know what to say. my cousin is coming over tomorrow and we'll see what she has to say about it all. its just really sad.

but at the same time i guess it shows how people really are. at least we don't have to go on thinking someone is one way and knowing they are another. at least we know all of it now.

that is until someone else says something we don't know.. i dunno if this will ever end. but i hope it does. its much more peaceful when we don't have people calling every five seconds.

i've had a very busy last few weeks so today i just caught up on a lot of greys anatomy and thought of all the craft projects i am doing. i worked on my blanket some. and i have  alot of hats i need to make for people. so that will be fun. its almost like therapy. crocheting = love. thats all i have for now.

in the mail..

i LOVE to get mail i mean who doesn't? right?! i love the smell of new books of opening the packages. and i dunno there is just something about it that is so happy!  so here is what i've gotten in the mail recently. well i have gotten books but those are not what i'm gonna show you.


from CSN Stores i received this:

and i have to say it is SO pretty. its a little darker in person. that picture is kind of light. but it is beautiful. it is the perfect size. and boy shipping was SO fast i swear i got it in two days so that was amazing. i love the bright colors of it. and it also has snaps on the sides so it can be smaller or bigger. has a pretty big zip pocket in the inside which is great for little things like cell phone and chapstick. all in all its amazing and i love it! CSN has such a great selection for purses maybe too good of a selection cause some of them are pretty spendy. this one is super affordable and it is just awesome all around.

another thing i got was some post cards from http://www.simplecard.com/ they are so cute. i made them as thank you cards and i'll be excited to use them. thank you christina for contacting me!  i wish i could show and image of what they look like. but i'm lazy and don't want to take a picture. but they have such cute cards there. you can get greeting cards or postcards. even upload a picture and make your own!

next thing i got in the mail was a camera bag! i bought this and its amazing :

its SO nice i love it. its from http://lowepro.com i had wanted a different one. one that was patterned i had found a polka dot one cause i'm crazy like that but i just couldn't find it in stock anywhere. so my dad looked around. i didn't want a black one for one thing my dogs hair would get all over that in a second and it would look disgusting. but i wanted a bright color. so i found this and i LOVE it. i got it yesterday and i have to say it was darker than i thought. but i love it a lot. i can't wait to put my dslr into it. and carry it around for picture taking opportunities! yay! so that is what i've gotten in the mail lately. hope you enjoy it!

i found my escape

things are still sorta mehish but i mean it is what it is. my mom had finally called my grandma cause shes tired of the tension. but its still there and grandma still hasn't called on her own will. she did call today to leave a message about the estate sale. not that it matters she had such an attitude. i don't care about the estate sale. why would i? i don't care about the money i don't get it anyways.  i dunno i just will never understand her. and why she always has to say things with such an attitude. apparently shes on the "black list" with most of the family and  she figures if she doesn't talk she can't get in trouble. she has also said something about donating all her stuff to red cross so no one can fight over it when shes gone. but shes the only one that was fighting over the stuff. who knows what is wrong with her. oi. it gives me a headache.

haven't done anything with the pictures yet which is probably better. cause its so stressful. one thing at a time. and my mom and i have been getting so full of anxiety lately with all of that its better to just step back and not do it at the moment. its almost too much to handle.

that said i've been doing a lot better. and the boy and i have been fighting so much less. we've had a really good week i think. we went on adventures to the fremont market. we went to brickcon which is a lego expo basically. went to pike place market and took  a lot of pictures. on wednesday after i was off. we went adventuring again! we are so into photography right now. i just got a digital slr and so i have been playing around with it. i don't know much about any of it right now but i like to take pictures and that click when you take a picture is SO satisfying haha. i'm such an idiot but i love it.

i got to read again, which is good cause i need that as an escape sometimes. it calms me. plus i have a HUGE pile of review books. oh boy but this oen i started yesterday i'm whipping through. its so amazing. i also have a lot of review posts to write. but again life has been insane. i feel like i have had no time at allt his week. which is true. this and last week were busy for watching the kids. i think next week will be like that too. which is good cause its money but its also exhausting. yesterday i almost fell asleep. true one was napping but still boy i was so exhausted. but its a fun job. so i guess i can't complain. callies new phrase is "oh that is so CUTE!" and she said "for goodness sake amy" the other day haha the kid cracks me up. 2 year olds are so fun.

also went to church sunday and it wasn't bad. i actually feel a lot bettr about things now. they are changing but in a better way and its good cause the person i was super apprehensive about running things isn't running it anymore.

also the boy needs prayer we need to find him a job asap money is running out and unemployment is being a goober cause the slimy boss of his is disputing his claim and ugh its just a huge mess. and i'm stressed but at least we aren't fighting.

anyways i should go write my other entries and go through my millions of pictures i took. goood times.

Book Review - Solitary by Travis Thrasher

have you ever been scared? how about lonely? how about in the crazy scary woods? did you like the adventure? well this might be the book for you. this combines all of that plus some spirituality and a whole bunch of mystery and confusion. Solitary is the name of the book but is also the name of the town in the book, set in north carolina. it follows a mixture of characters. the main one is chris and the other is a girl. typical huh? but really it takes you places you wouldn't have thought. and honestly this is a really fast read even if it is 400 pages long. i haven't been reading much since my family stuff started. which is a good and bad thing. mostly bad but i found so much peace in just sitting to read a book. really took my mind off things. but this was such a fast read haha it was basically over as soon as i started it. here is the description i hope you will pick it up Solitary: A Novel (Solitary Tales Series)

"His Loneliness Will Soon Turn to Fear….

When Chris Buckley moves to Solitary, North Carolina, he faces the reality of his parents’ divorce, a school full of nameless faces—and Jocelyn Evans. Jocelyn is beautiful and mysterious enough to leave Chris speechless. But the more Jocelyn resists him, the more the two are drawn together.

Chris soon learns that Jocelyn has secrets as deep as the town itself. Secrets more terrifying than the bullies he faces in the locker room or his mother’s unexplained nightmares. He slowly begins to understand the horrific answers. The question is whether he can save Jocelyn in time.

This first book in the Solitary Tales series will take you from the cold halls of high school to the dark rooms of an abandoned cabin—and remind you what it means to believe in what you cannot see..."

Book Review - A Memory Between Us by Sarah Sundin

I read the book before this as a look into the series. and i really liked that one but i couldn't get through this one unfortunately. it just was pretty boring to me. it made me sad that they didn't follow the previous characters. but i dunno if that went on later in the book. i couldn't get into this at all. i hope other people will love it. but i just couldn't do it. it may be my constant jumping from book to book but i dunno. i couldn't finish it. it did make me pretty sad cause i was excited to read/review it. but it happens. can't like every book i guess.

well here is the description of  Memory Between Us, A: A Novel (Wings of Glory). also a contest down below!

"Major Jack Novak has never failed to meet a challenge--until he meets army nurse Lieutenant Ruth Doherty. When Jack lands in the army hospital after a plane crash, he makes winning Ruth's heart a top priority mission. But he has his work cut out for him. Not only is Ruth focused on her work in order to support her orphaned siblings back home, she carries a shameful secret that keeps her from giving her heart to any man. Can Jack break down her defenses? Or are they destined to go their separate ways? A Memory Between Us is the second book in the WINGS OF GLORY series, which follows the three Novak brothers, B-17 bomber pilots with the US Eighth Air Force stationed in England during World War II."





Sarah Sundin presents The Movies and Memories Giveaway in honor of
book 2 in the Wings of Glory series. A Memory Between Us is available for purchase wherever fine books are sold.
From the English countryside to the perilous skies over France, A Memory
Between Us takes you on a journey through love, forgiveness, and sacrifice.



To celebrate Sarah is giving one lucky winner A Movie and Memory Prize
Package! One grand prize winner will receive:

* Make-your-own-photo book from Mypublisher.com (Capture your own
Memories)

* Netflix Subscription (New or Nostalgic Movies delivered right to your house)

* Starbucks gift card (To keep your engine revvin’)

*Gourmet chocolate (A favorite in the 1940’s and now)

* British specialty teas in carved wooden box (Timeless tradition)

* Miniature model of a B-17 Flying Fortress bomber & C-47 cargo plane
(Everyone needs a few toy planes)

*Big Band music CD (Break out your dancing shoes)

* WWII authentic poster playing cards (Cards – a perfect game for two)

* Keep Calm and Carry On (Uplifting sayings WWII, a boost for troubled times)

To enter simple click on the icons below (contest runs 9/27 - 10/17!)

will you stop the madness? didn't think so

i just wish my life and my family weren't so crazy.

my grandma hasn't called my mom in 2 weeks i dunno if it will be longer i assume so but its crappy. also the other night my aunt called wanting these post cards cause she collects them. she collects everything. she wanted to make sure they weren't gonna get lost. but the tone she has when she says things. ugh. i dunno. but i am not quite sure how they would get lost when everything is sitting in the boxes we have them in. but what can you do. she wanted to come over on sunday to get them. but i didn't want her in the house honestly and my mom would have been alone and that wouldn't work she didn't want to be alone and she isn't feeling good. so i took one for the team and went to grandmas to drop that stuff off. she was supposed to bring something for my cousin and well that didn't happen and it took forever and my life. for her to get there and it was the most awkward thing to be at grandmas she seemed cranky and i dunno i just didn't like being there.

i want all of this to be done. i don't want to be in a funk. i find myself just crying at random times and i'm so sick of it. i also keep fighting with the boy. but both of us are doing that its the stress of the times right now.

yesterday i went to see our former campus pastors church plant. and my favorite guy alan he used to be our CM director. was there he is doing CM there. and it made me sad happy to see him but sad cause i miss him. its such a bummer i'm not so happy with how church is right now. i just don't really want to be there at all.

its just a hard season i guess. and i'm tired of it.

i want to be able to crochet and to read all the books on my book review pile. and in my book case i dunno im just in a funk and now i'm so hungry. i'm so tired of being full of anxiety and needing melatonin to sleep. i'm just tired.

i wish it was better.

CSN Stores!

Have you heard of CSN stores? i hadn't until recently and boy its a crazy huge site it carries items like  dining room chairs,  to purses, and all sorts of other things if you can think of it. its probably on that site. its so huge. i think it'd take months to look through everything on ther. there are over 200 stores on the site alone. we'll see how long it takes to pick an item to review. i am pretty excited about it. and if you want to check it out in the meantime go to CSN Stores now!

family? or lack thereof..

i guess i've been in a somber mood. i miss my auntie i wish she was here so we didn't have to deal with this family drama. my family has become literally insane.

death makes people crazy, and in my grandma and aunts case it makes them hoard everything then get mad a bout what little some other people take. cause they want it all for themselves. its really sad. and its really made me think about how they are acting and how much i hate it. i don't want to fight about "stuff" i don't really care about jewelry and i don't care about the stuff. i care about the person. but shes gone now and she would HATE how they were acting in fact i think she would slap them. which somewhat amuses me. it has also made me really think about the fact that i don't know what its like to truly have a grandma. i don't know what its like to be excited to go to her house to do fun things with her, her buy me stuff and generally do fun grandma stuff. i've heard other peoples stories and sometimes it baffles me and it makes me sad at the same time. really sad. sometimes the family concept is so foreign to me also cause its like i don't know what it is to be happy about them. how fun it is to hang out with them. its just not something that i grew up with..

it makes me feel like i want to piece together certain parts of my family and then someone elses family and make a whole knew one. i really do wish i had a grandma. cause the one i have i don't consider one. cause she isn't what a grandma is. one who is currently not talking to us at all. cause she flew off the handle for nothing. said some things that certainly didn't need to be said. and now won't talk to us.

i don't want to go to family functions cause that would just be killer. they aren't enjoyable. and i end up feeling more depressed than when i came. it just all makes me so sad. I'm not exactly sure how i should feel or what i should do but it is what it is and i  don't know if i could change it. honestly i think my grandma has something going on in her head cause she just keeps getting crazier and crazier. all i know is she showed a really evil side to her that no one wanted to see. and i think only 1/3 of the family wants to be around her anymore, which is the part that is just like her also. its just a maddening thing to go through. its also like my immediate family is the only part of the whole family that doesn't ask her for anything we don't ask her to help us we don't ask for money and somehow we are the bad guys. we also don't take a lot of auntie beths stuff.

but again we're the horrible people. its just not fair. what did i ever do to you grandma? i have always been nice i always just keep my mouth shut i don't fight with you i just try to keep the peace but its not good enough. its never good enough. do i have to have a conflict with you to be accepted? do i have to always have to ask for money to be accepted? i just don't know what you want from me? I've never been the favorite grandchild I've never asked for much but what little i did ask for was shot down so fast i couldn't even get anything out. never was a spoiled grandchild. i never really got anything. it was always the youngest grandchild. who is almost 21 and hasn't had a job, does drugs, drinks and his parents buy him cigarettes.

do i have to be a screw up?

i finally got to show her my car couple weeks ago. she didn't even look at it and just said "oh" thanks for supporting me grandma really means a lot. i worked hard to get that car and I'm working hard with two part time nanny jobs to pay for it. but does that matter? no.

i just don't know what to do so I'm not gonna do anything i can't fix it and i can't please her. and honestly I'd rather not be around her at all. that may sound bad but 25 years of this and I've reached my breaking point.

this family is so incredibly frustrating i can't even fathom what happened. i will take my grandpa and my 4th cousins, and my other cousins and that's it. i just hate that it came to this but it is what it is i guess. what can you do?

blah is all i can say really. and i'm glad that i love my immediate family and some of my cousins otherwise this would be a whole lot crazier. and the boy is amazing so i'm glad i have him through all of it. but still its just hard.

seafair pics and babies!

well i never shared seafair pictures there are some that are amazing that i'd like to share! plus my cousins baby Josiah he is so adorable so i have to show him off!

those are the blue angels and fat albert. and the pictures in the lion are hilarious. i like my moms the best! hahhaha gotta love it.

now here are pictures of callie she is the one i watch she is adorable. such a parrot too hahaha:

i love her

now we have josiah:

hope you enjoyed this cause i do! pictures are great such a great invention.